I don’t know what it is… yet…

Why can’t I just decide?…

…and stick with it…

I know that deep down I need to change… I need to recover… but I can’t make up my mind… I can say… Hey I want to recover… I wan’t to let go of the obsessions… but can I do it?

I’ve said it so many times before… I’ve thought about it so many times before but only a little while later I’ve changed my mind…
But what is up with this? Who wrote that? where did it come from? This morning there was also a long message in our paper journal… I don’t know the handwriting… I feel paranoid… why do I feel paranoid… recovery? what is that? what does it mean?

…changes…
sounds scary to me…
…not just normal scary scary but…
raised heart beat, sweating, shortness of breath kind of scary…
paranoid kind of scary… a fear of losing control…

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