I don’t know where I will go with this or if I will end up posting this… I know I have a very disordered eating pattern but when someone at another forum messaged me wanting to interview me as a male with an ED I started thinking that I an far from fitting in to the “normal” profile of guys (people) with eating disorders…. Really I’m just messed up in many ways and disordered eating is just one of those many self torturing acts I put my self go through…for the control_freakish_pain of it which was planted in my brain while I was growing up… I was told I needed to suffer… be in pain… and also that I wasn’t worthy of food… because I wasn’t human…

My earliest memories of disordered eating consist of being told I wasn’t worthy of getting food …having to steal food or my sisters would smuggle food to my room …getting caught and punished for stealing food …getting punished for eating “too much” …being forced to purge …being forced to eat spoiled food ..being forced to eat food that was boiling hot …being forced to eat/swallow “none-food” substance or chemicals…
My disordered eating is not about a fear of getting fat… I have never been “fat” Most of my life I’ve been underweight… I’m around 130 -135 now…. I read somewhere that a man my height should be around 160-174 lbs…. I don’t think I’ve ever weight that much… I don’t weigh myself regularly and I don’t exercise… probably because I’m lazy… I don’t avoid certain food …well maybe I do but because of how they taste…but if I’m supposed to eat it I eat it anyway… and then purge or not… I have no idea how many calories are in the food I eat… frankly it doesn’t matter to me… or at least it hasn’t in the past… but I’m sure if I’d make a list of what I eat during the day I’d get a low figure… too low… but I don’t care if I get sick… I don’t care about it for my shake… My doctor says there is a problem with my heart and my kidneys….. I know my wife is worried… my kids are worried too… I wonder…. why can’t I be worried too?

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