I’ve been having hard time posting here… not sure what to say here anymore… or maybe more asking myself questions like… should I post this or that? I wonder if what I write here will change anything… for me or for someone who reads it… I wonder if me writing here isn’t just a wast of every visitors time…
oh yeah I’m whining again… I always am… I’m sick of myself but no matter how I try I always fall back on this track… maybe that person (health professional) who told my wife that I was “beyond repair” was right… and it doesn’t matter what or how hard I try I will always be like this… I am an addict by nature… doesn’t matter what I’m addicted too… drugs, booze, pain etc… when one addiction fades another takes over…
i’m not doing so good…i’m really bad actually..
i try to ignore it but i can’t…
i want to SI… i need to SI… and I probably will…
i have a cold… probably sinus infection
yesterday was bad…
– i purged… haven’t done that in a while…
– i was doing ok/good before yesterday… eating…
…we all were eating
– i cut… twice …badly… a trip to the ER…
The nurse actually said… “We haven’t seen you in a while!” Grrrr #$%!
woke up from a nightmare this morning… screaming without a sound… Jumped when Sunna tried to clam me down… I thought she was my mother
…i was back in time somewhere… I saw her… disgusting… shame…
i want to live but I want to die too
… i want to start over somehow
… but i can’t …i’m stuck… I don’t know anything else
I think I’ve been somehow ignoring people lately…. I haven’t been replying to e-mail much… I owe a lot of replies to people…. and most of the e-mails I do reply to are from people who have e-mailed me a few times before without getting a reply and are mad at me for not replying…. I hide on ICQ and YIM all the time… I see people online I really want to talk too but I can’t bring myself to click on their names to send a “hallo” message… It’s been a long time since I sent anybody a message…. starting a conversation… and when someone messages me the conversation usually ends up by being a “hi_hi_how_are_you?_ok…_you?_fine” kind of message …..and nothing more is said… I’m sorry…. to all of you…. I just can’t deal with being me these days….
Heya`! I’ve been a fan of this journal for a long time now… at least… it seems like a long time… ^^;; In any case… gomen nasai for not dragging myself out of the shadows to say hi…
And now that I’ve established myself to a point where you won’t have to go, ‘Who the HECK is that?!’… (Curse my luck… >.
Hi Gabriel…keep trying to hold it together. Life IS worth living. Don’t give up…your children need you. One thing about the internet is we are all anonimus but by reading your journal it seems like I know you. I always pop in to see how you are doing so keep on posting. I don’t often leave comments as I don’t know what to say. Although I don’t have DID or any of the disorders you suffer with, I did grow up with a “mother from hell”. Scars from childhood are often the hardest ones to heal.
Take care.
Hello Gabriel and all.
I’m sorry that you’re having such a fucked up time of it again.
I read you with great angst sometimes. Other times with great wonder at how articulate and real you are able to write – there is much pain within you yes .. I love you Gabriel. I dont want for you to die. She would have won if you give in now bud. I dont want for her to win. She deserves not your life as well. Please, take some steps to not let her win. She doesn’t deserve to have your life in death as well Gabriel. She doesn’t.
Deb.
it’ll be okay Gabriel.. no one and nothing is beyond repair, I don’t believe that there’s such a thing like ‘beyond repair’. What once was there is always there, somehow, and therefore, can be repaired. I don’t know why your health professional said such a thing. I don’t believe him, but I believe in you!
I’m sorry that you’re sick of yourself at the moment. I don’t know who I am to tell you, but things will always change, there will be days when you like yourself.
Thinking that things always change is what I hold on to. Maybe today is bad, but things will change and there will be better days.
I’ll be thinking of you.. *hugs*
your website and your writing has made a difference for me. and that’s beautiful. you’ve touched me with your sincere and truthful entries! i feel like i’m not alone anymore. thankyou, really. you are an inspiration to me. God Bless, love, spider
Take Care Gab……