I can’t write anything of importance today… been lurking on the Broken (previously Sinned) boards today… I try to write something but keep deleting it before posting… everything I try to say doesn’t seem important enough… I can’t… I’m sorry….
I’ve been online most of the day… and even though I’ve had all my online messengers turned on I have been hiding there… seeing people I love come and go but I don’t have the heart to bother them… I don’t know what to do anymore… For the past week I have been posting like crazy all over the web… supporting people… but if i can’t help my self so how can i help other people?
Sunna phoned my therapist today and they talked about the possibility of me going back to the home… I’m losing control again… I SI-ed a few nights ago… pretty bad… had to spend the night in the hospital…. I SI-ed again this morning… I opened the last cut/braking I did a few days ago… and then cut a little more… It felt good then but it hurts now…. hurts when I move…. but I don’t care if it does… I deserve it to hurt…
I have failed… Maybe… a part of me wants to fail… but I don’t really want to go back to that home…. away from my family… but they don’t deserve me… i’m to fucked up to stay with them… ….or maybe this will pass…. for now…
…ouch. i don’t know how to respond, other than the fact that i do identify with some of your feelings and have felt myself on that edge before, but have never gone as far as you. inexplicably i feel for you, and hope things get better.
erm… I can’t quite decide what I want to try and say… I’m afraid it’ll come out like my first comment… all… f*cked up and not really helpful… *sighs*
The only thing I can think of to do… is have you read some of Ed’s stuff… I’m not quite so sure why… but you remind me in so many ways of him… I always talk as if he committed sucide… and that’s because… frankly… he always talked about it… and one day… he just… up and left… I haven’t heard anything from him since… he ment so much to me… every time I think back at what he’s written… i cry… *every* time…
His journal that ke kept for a short time is at: http://www.deadjournal.com/~keio
…stuff he told me… light-hearted to depressing… you can find here: http://www.deadjournal.com/users/zoukibayashi/day/2002/10/12
I wish I could say something inspiring to you… or take away all your pain… but… I can’t… it’s… reality’s curse… *hugs* Just remember… I do care…