Lots of bad thoughts that I shouldn’t be having… probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I need to get them out… I’m angry… I want to hurt my self… I hate me
I need to SI so badly but I’m not alone so I can’t… I wish people would just stop caring about what happens to me… dam-it
I once asked if you’d ever wanted to dig a hole and crawl down to it and wait if anyone would come and look for you…. I want to crawl down that hole right now… but I know that somebody will come and look for me… but I wish I could hide down there… that it would be deep enough that whoever might come wouldn’t find me…
Right now I’m too tired to fight… too tired to think… too tired to sleep… too tired to be…
Everything hurts… love… happiness… sadness… hunger…
What makes another person care for someone who doesn’t want to grow up?… who is afraid that if he does, everything will be out of control and something horrible will happen…. when in fact there is no other way out of the darkness… ? Why do I bother trying to get out of that darkness when all it seems to get me is even more darkness? I know I will never be what they want me to be… I don’t want to… How can anyone understand that someone wants to life this way…. Nobody can… because they didn’t life my life… but I did…
this is my first time here, but I couldn’t help but feel a pain in my heart when I read this entry. I know how you feel. although I don’t know exactly what you’re going through [because, like I said, this is my first time] I know what it’s like to want to disappear. to lose hope in ever getting out of the darkness and living a “normal” life. I never thought I would be able to live a life I wanted to lead. I thought I was defective and dysfunctional. but I ended up getting the help I needed, and I’m a completely different person now. no, all my “problems” haven’t gone away… they’re all still there. but they’re not nearly as bad as they used to be. just have hope. I know it’s hard, but know that you’re not the only one out there. you aren’t alone. *hug* if you ever need someone to talk to – even though you don’t even know me, I’m always here.. and I can listen. take care and keep your head high.