I posted this at a forum I visit… wasn’t really going to put it here but…. I guess I changed my mind…

Ok so i’m at my sister’s place…. been here since yesterday morning… My wife had a big thing going on with her work last night… out to dinner… and dancing and drinking afterwards… She had a good time… i’ve had an ok time with my sister other than lack of a proper computer …I had to work on it quite a bit before I could actually log on to the internet… obviously it’s working now…

ok…there is a point to this post… or something like that… I think… or i’m trying to say something… Staying here…with my sister… is not really ok… I mean she is ok and all that… but i feel like I shouldn’t have to be here… I feel ashamed… I need a babysitter like I’m a 2 year old or something… I know I have to be here because I can’t take care of myself… The thing is that if I’m alone I’m a danger to myself but fuck I’m 37 years old or almost… and I shouldn’t be like this… I’m sick and tired of living like this… of being the crazy me… I wish I could change… but at the same time I want to do the opposite… hurt myself again and again… because I piss myself off… I keep repeating myself with “I want to get better”… “I don’t want to get better”… “I want to die” …like posts in my journal… in my private thoughts… I brake down and cry in therapy or in a conversation with my wife about “how much I want to get better”… I don’t know why… I don’t know if that is really what I want…. I don’t know if I want to get better or just have people give up on me and let me alone so I can just end things… I have no idea of what I want anymore… and no matter what it is that I say about getting better or not getting better …I aways send up just_going_with_the_flow… one day at the time… either feeling like I’m trying to hard or not trying at all…

I hate it when my head goes around in these endless circles … I started to write and had some idea of what I was going to write… didn’t really write any of what I was going to write… This is probably a _delete_post_ …one of those posts that I want to delete when I feel a little bit better… a post that I should never have written… and a post that doesn’t really make sense to anyone… not even me…