A while ago I posted an entry on my journal titled “Pro-Anorexia“… this was back in July… I’ve mentioned this entry here before…but the thing is that I’m getting lots of hits because of it and people are still commenting on it… It is scary to think about it how many people …and many of them being only children… are searching for tips and tricks on how to maintain or even develop an eating disorder…

I have thought about deleting this entry but even if I don’t like the idea of my journal turning into a public forum for pro-ED/anti-ed I have decided not to… This is entry was after all written based on my personal thoughts (weather it was “at the time” or current) just like every other entry on this website…

Some of the comments that have been posted there don’t seem very nice… and obviously written in anger… and I admit that some of them are just plain rude… but those don’t really affect the way I feel… I already know I’m sick… I already know that if I don’t eat I will die… I already know all of that… I also know that I could just delete those comments but I have never deleted a comment from this site on purpose and I’m not going to start that now…

I assume that deep down people who have an eating disorder don’t like having it…. at least not when they’ve had it for a while… I know I don’t …maybe the feelings of success that it gives me… but I also know that many people… like me… don’t like the thought of “the other side” either… The thing is that I really miss that feeling of hunger and being sick… I want to have these feelings back and all the other bad/good feelings that come along with it… I say bad because other people see these feelings as bad but I say good because of how I feel about it… I admit that I am sick and what I want to do to myself is not accepted by most people… but it is my “good”…. my way of feeling good about myself… Even if that makes me “fucking sick”….

I have hated myself for most of my life… and maybe I will for the rest of my life… I don’t know that for sure… I do have to admit though that over the last year especially I have felt proud of how easy it has been for me to lose weight… and it almost feels like that I’ve done it without any major struggling… I know that isn’t really true but it feels like it…. Food just doesn’t feel important to me and I don’t go overboard and eat and eat… In fact… now when I’m trying to eat more…. I have to fight to eat… and for me now…. My mind tells me that it would be a lot easier if I would just continue on as before… while my body says a different story… with heart problems, kidney problems etc…
For me the body and the mind are two separate things… a body doesn’t have emotional feelings… you and I ..as people/souls do… We have feelings of success…. I have feelings of success when I see the numbers on the scale getting lower… but the thing is that I will always want more… It’s like a war between our mind and our body… and one of them is going to win eventually… In the end there can only be one winner…
If your mind wins you’ll die… my personal experience has told me that I will never be satisfied no matter how little I weigh and I know that if I continue to try I will end up dead… Weather I would have any complications or not… If my mind is “in gear” that doesn’t matter… because death is permanent!

If your body wins you’ll live… Yes I know that the mind will still have all those feelings of disappointment of surrendering… I’m there at the moment… but I know that I can work on those… It may take me a while but it doesn’t matter…well it does matter but rather it shouldn’t matter…because I know that I cannot work on anything if I’m dead…

I know this sounds simple but in reality it isn’t… but making things sound simple even though they are not has helped me in the past… I give myself two choices and it makes it easier for me to make a decision even if I know that it won’t be as easy to follow through on the choice I make…

I don’t think anyone who doesn’t have an eating disorder can understand what the feelings are like… I don’t even understand it myself most of the time… This isn’t only about food or being thin or fat… It’s much more than that… It is also an illness…. therefore it makes me incredibly sad to know that there are people out there that consider them self in need for “catching ana” in order too lose a little weight… and these people surf around the internet looking for tips and tricks on how to fulfill that need….

If I would get a nickel every time someone IMed me for tips or advices on how to “become ana” I’d be quite wealthy by now… As much as I hate it when people come to me asking for tips I try to handle the situation in the best manner I can but they won’t get their tips from me at least not intentionally… I try to give them something to think about… I tell people about the negative things/feelings of it… based on my personal experience… You can just read my past entries to find out that having an eating disorder is not a ball of fun….

I don’t wish this on anyone else…. but I however try not to push anyone into recovery…. I know what that has done to me in the past… it only made me more determine not to recover…. but I do get that “concerned parent feeling” … and I have to put everything into not blurting that out… however I do try to point that part out as well… It is after all a possibility too… and instead of saying “well you should recover” I try to point out the reality as I see it….. of life “Ed free/healthy/recovery” or life with ED/health problems/guilt/death?/etc….

Does it work? I hope it will at least make this person think but I can never know for sure… She or he will probably just go and look somewhere else… but at least I know that I tried my best…

Would it work on me? I don’t know…. It depends on a lot of things…. but probably not… Sometimes I like the pain of my ED… sometimes I feel I deserve the pain of my ED even though I don’t like it… I know that my feelings of “good” aren’t healthy… and as long as I know that I think I can “make it” ….