We posted this entry back in January… It was really the first time we admitted to ourselves that we had a problem with eating… It wasn’t and still isn’t …I think… about being thin as such… but more like a part of doing harm to ourselves… or the feeling of being sick…

For us… when we didn’t eat it meant that other more violent or visible methods we use(ed) were easier to handle as we didn’t feel the needs for it as strongly as before… It wasn’t so “black and white though” not really…

Denying us of food wasn’t difficult… but guilt of going behind other people’s backs… all the lies…and not being able to talk to other people about this was… It’s also impossible to hide losing weight for long … but we still kept on… Sometimes we would have to eat because people were talking… and we ate but then we would just go to the bathroom and purge every little bit of food we’d just had…

We’re eating again now… and even though we should feel proud I can’t say that I feel good about it… Maybe it will come in time… I feel guilty when I don’t feel dizziness when I stand up and it feels like I am cheating… or giving up on something that I should continue to do… Instead of feeling guilty for lying to the people I care about I feel guilty for lying to myself… Maybe I’m feeling guilty for thinking that I deserve something better than starving myself… maybe I’m feeling guilty for not wanting my organs to malfunction…but if that happens there might not be a way back… Maybe it is the thought of that when I cut it will heal… I don’t know…

I am sitting here writing this because at this moment I want to hurt… I want to feel pain… I had a pretty good weekend… and I feel guilty about that… I feel that I need to do some damage to myself…something that will hurt for a few days… something that will make up for those two good days that I had over the weekend…

Almost everyday since I started recovery I’ve needed to do what I call a “little SI”… which includes scratching, shallow cuts, picking old cuts or using needles or safety pins… something that doesn’t do much damage but helps to lessen the needs of doing more… but sometimes… like today… that just isn’t enough…

I could just stop writing right now and do what I want to do… It would be so easy… do it and be over with it and I would be able to continue doing what ever I want or should be doing instead of rambling on like this… but it wouldn’t change the fact that either way I would feel guilty… or ashamed…

I would feel guilty no matter what… Right now I feel guilty for not doing anything to punish myself or to “make up” for the weekend…. Right now I feel guilty for doing what I do every morning… the “little SI” and if I would let go of the urges that I’m having now I would feel guilty for that too… I also know that when I start fighting the urges like I am now…and then give in… I will go deep and when that happens I often end up having to go to the ER which means I have to tell people… my wife included… If it’s shallow I feel guilty because I don’t feel that I’m doing enough damage….

Sometimes I try to fight the urges but then start with a little cut but those usually end up as being the worst SI I do… and the feeling of needing to do just a little bit more increases and I start going deeper and deeper… and somewhere in there I lose contact with myself and wake up with broken bones and/or in the hospital… I don’t plan for something like that to happen but it does anyway…

I wish I could understand why I feel this way… I wish I could understand why I feel the need to hurt myself… I know that this is something that was planted in my brain as a child… I know that this or something like it was done to me by my mother when I was a child and I didn’t like it then… There wasn’t really anything I could do about it then… I couldn’t hide or run away… I tried but that would only mean more pain later… She said I was cursed… she said she had to do this and neither she or I couldn’t kill myself because that would make the curse go away… It would just find someone else… But all of what she said or did doesn’t justify me still doing it to myself… It’s easy to say that I have to do this because she said I had to… I don’t want to believe that’s the reason… that means that I justify her actions…. I hate that… but still I do it… and I will probably keep doing it or at least wanting to… for as long as I live…