I wish I knew what’s going on with me… yeah well I know that i’m fucked up and that I’ve always have been and probably always will be… but I wish I knew how to control myself… I wish I wasn’t so scared of living my life and that I didn’t feel the need to tourture myself everytime something good is happening in my life… I live in the past…I’m not here in the future…not really… I’m tired of it…I’m tired of worrying people that I care about…
Every day I hurt myself… on a good day it’s small… I don’t need to even want it… no strong urges… but I do it because “this is the way it is and always has been”
She told us from the start that we were evil…that we were born to this earth for one purpose and one purpose only and it was her duty to stop us.
She never got tired of telling us the story of her first born. “He couldn’t handle it” she said “He left this earth and gave you the gift”
Sometimes we questioned her…well maybe not questioned the story…but I remember that if I somehow tried to get out of being tourtured by her she would only make it worse the next time…
I’ve been trying to stop lately… to not do anything… but only to find myself going to the ER three times in two or 3 weeks… Two of those times I’ve been admitted to the hospital over at least a night… One of those I had to go into surgery to fix the damage I did to myself… I’m not just talking stitches here… I am totally messed up… psycho… and it scares me… it scares me… maybe enough for wanting to accept that things will never be any better… that I will have to SI a little every day for the rest of my life… But that would mean that she had won wouldn’t it?
“As long as you don’t kill your self you will have a long life” she said “But when you go the gift will continue on to someone else” Why did she all it a gift? It’s not a gift… it’s a curse… or maybe it’s all in her head… How can I be sure? I need to be sure… but I can’t… because I can’t afford to “try” or put it to a test… I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she was right after all… but I don’t expect ever finding an answer to my questions… I know I can’t….