I know I haven’t been around much in the last few days… and I’ve been feeling silent… maybe a little sad… December is one of those months where I wish I could just lay in bed and hide under the covers forever… It’s a time of many anniversaries from my past and some “new” ones as well… We’ve had more flashbacks and at the time they seem so real… but we haven’t SI-ed…
I wish all the bad thoughts and nightmares about me quitting SI would go away… I feel I can not be sure… I keep telling myself that this fear isn’t real… that it was just one woman’s delusion… but I’m still waiting for something to happen…. When I SI-ed I felt safe… It was my security line…. I don’t feel that safety now…
you’ll find that safety in doing other things, give it some time. I know it’s hard, but give it some time, it will work out. You’re strong, you can get through this..
*hugs*
Hi, you don’t know me at all, but I’ve just spent the last couple of days reading your website. I wanted to respond to so many of the things you said. I don’t really understand some of the issues you have — DID or SI stuff, it’s not something that is a part of my life. I wanted to tell you though, that even though so much of the stuff you talk about seems foreign to me, it also hits close to home. People can relate to you and the things that you’ve gone through without having the trauma that you’ve had.
I work for a radio station, I’m about as outgoing as you are shy. I do know that I hide my true self behind a super outgoing personality and a smile — but these extroverted characteristics are just hiding a shy little girl. Don’t feel bad for hiding, the world can get scary sometimes and we all have different ways of dealing with worldly pressure. You are human, you are a valid person. You most certainly aren’t evil — what is evil anyway?
The last thing I wanted to tell you was that it takes true skill to tell a story, especially a true story that has so much raw pain involved. Even if you stop writing here please keep writing, I know it helps you. You are HUMAN and as such you need to express yourself — maybe you aren’t as shy as you thought you were, to be able to write here. Now look, I”M rambling. Oh, I LIKE your rambling writing style. Ok, this is so random, I’m a consumate web surfer, but I never post anything anywhere. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your life.
i use to SI a lot…and the past few months i have stopped, it’s been extremely hard, but i know wat you mean when u say it’s ur safety line, b/c to this day when Ii get really upset or i start thinking about how I’ve been eating I want to SI… I don’t think that feeling is gonna go away for a really long time, but i can say i know what you mean.