I haven’t been doing well for the past few days… I haven’t SI-ed yet but I’m thinking that is probably the only way I can do to be able to snap out of these feelings that I’ve been having… I purged again for the first time in days on Wednesday and again yesterday… It didn’t really help that much…
My therapist suggested that maybe I am feeling like this because of an event that happened 8 years ago…something that I hate myself for doing… She is right… to day is a day that has always been a “black one” but I don’t know if this is really all because of that or something else… Maybe some part of it is… but not all…
Eight years ago, tonight… My stupidity…
Physical injuries to other people….
Because of my stupidity they’d probably would be still alive…
My father never forgave me for this… and I don’t think I could do that either…
I wasn’t ready to go back into the world like that… just out of rehab where I didn’t exactly go by choice… It was just a week after I was back home…. but all they wanted was that I would drive them there and then go home… They’d get a ride back home somehow…. But I didn’t go home… I got drunk… I sat in the car for a while and then someone came and invited me inside… I went inside….Lots of people there…. lots of alcohol… I never made any attempts to say no thank you when they offered to give me drinks… I just took them and drank… Some hours later Chris and Maria wanted to go home… they had been drinking too and they didn’t notice that I’d been drinking too… or at least they didn’t seem to care…
We didn’t get all the way home that night…
