I’m not totally gone… sorry for worrying people… I’m not really doing very well at the moment and I don’t really know if, how or when things start getting better. I try to hold on to the thought that things will get better in the end and that is what is holding me here right now…
Every now and then I go and stay with my sister over the weekend… I do love my sister but I’d rather stay at home. However I also know that my wife sometimes need “time off” from me… *sigh* yeah I know how this sounds… like I’m a complete lunatic or something… which I probably am… but I know that I am not the easiest person to live with… The thing is that I can not be left alone… I probably should be locked up somewhere in a padded cell… While my wife is at work I have someone coming over to the house and baby-sit me so I won’t harm myself… I don’t sleep much… and even on sleeping meds I have a problem of waking up all the time… I don’t really like taking those though as I have a history of abusing them so I don’t do so very often… but this also makes it hard on my wife as she is always on the look out… and she doesn’t get enough sleep because of me.

I know I have a lot of problems… and I try my very best to work on them but maybe I am doing it all wrong… Sometimes it feels like that no matter what I do… or how much I think about what to do or what not to do none if it helps… Just before Christmas I decided that I didn’t want to SI anymore… I still don’t want to… The first step was to hand over all the “tools” I’d collected and hidden away… some of those defiantly not being usual for this purpose… Giving them away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done… I felt like I was giving away the only tool I could use to feel safe…

Now about a month later I had all of those or something like them back… hidden away for no one to find… A part of me knew that I could’t nor shouldn’t keep those… so last Friday I gave them all to my wife… I know I should feel proud for doing that but instead I now feel even worse… more insecurity… and more out of control… and when I feel like that I have a hard time writing… Right now I need to put everything into fighting my own thoughts and urges of self destruction… but I wonder for how long I will have to do that… months? years? decades? forever? … and will it every be worth it? I don’t know…. I guess no one really knows… but I hope it will be worth it… some day…