i am back from the hospital… doing ok consider the circumstances… and very tired mentally…

…not sure what i can do now… i feel like giving up but I know i can’t… at the same time i don’t know what else to do…

Saturday
… i was ready very old journals written my me while my mother was still alive…

… i got triggered… i had flashbacks…

… i though i was going to be ok… took a shower… but ended up SI-ing pretty badly… lost a lot of blood

… prior to that…or for about a week… i hadn’t been eating… nor had i been drinking enough… i knew that as i was already feeling some signs of dehydration…

…This is no one’s fault except my own… i messed up…

…i feel like i am trapped and no matter how i try i can’t find my way out…

…i feel like I’ve tried everything… even though i know that healing will take time… i’m not really sure what to do… all i know is that i need to so something or this will happen again… and again… and again… Maybe that is how it is meant to be… maybe that is how it will be forever… but I refuse to give up… that would be way too easy…