I wasn’t really going to post this here but… oh well…

Some of you may know that i was in hospital recently… i had basically been over doing it for a while… hadn’t been eating much (purging what i did eat) or drinking enough for about a week …except maybe coffee… and then on top of all that…getting triggered and probably out of control and injuring my self (intentionally) pretty badly… i don’t remember the last part… all i know is that i lost a lot of blood and i have two broken ribs… anyway since i came back from hospital i am not allowed to close the door when i go to the bathroom…

i can’t Si anymore… not even a little… i can’t purge anymore… and it pisses me off… it scares me…also the fact that it pisses me off scares me… everything scares me… the past, the present and the future… especially the future…

every move i make there is always someone looking after me… watching me… baby sitting me… I hate it… i know that i have gotten my self into this situation… i can’t blame anyone else but my self …or maybe not even myself as I don’t know what I’m doing half of the time…
the fact that this is getting too much for my wife scares me… but how can i change when no matter what I try nothing changes? …or am i not trying hard enough?

i don’t know how often i’ve said i wan’t to change… I do ok for a while but then just find myself fall down all over again… and each time the fall seems to get bigger and bigger… more frighting…

everything seems so hopeless right now… i don’t know what to think or believe anymore… and i have run out off things to do… :sorry:

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