I have a doctor’s appointment today… I know that he will ask me to consider going IP because of my eating disorder… I wonder if I should go or not… I don’t want to go and I don’t think that would make any difference at all anyway… I know very well what I have to do in order to keep my heath or what’s left of it… in patent or not.. I’ve never done very well in hospital anyway… I might do what is expected of me while i’m in there or pretend to but i don’t really keep it up when i’m out again… so why bother?
Sometimes I wish that everyone would just give up on me… stop trying to talk to me… stop caring about what happens to me… stop telling me what to do or what not to do… It would make everything so less complicated…
At a forum I’m a member off someone asked a few days ago: “Why would you put yourself through more pain than you already have?”
I have had some of my best friends ask me this question… Hell… I’ve even heard my wife ask me this question… and I have asked myself this question as well …so many times…
I was living in this situation for 27 years! Why didn’t I just leave? Why didn’t I just move out? I don’t really have an answer to these questions… I sometimes say that ….this is all I know… This is what helps me get from one day to the next… even from one hour to the next some days… But _this_is_all_I_know_ isn’t really an answer is it? …but it is the only explanation I have right now…. I think that perhaps if I had an answer… I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now…
