This is mostly just written at random… and probably doesn’t make much sence to many people…
Since my last pdoc appointment I’ve lost more weight… i’m at 119 now… and bmi of 15.7
I hear comments like:.. “You have to stop this… or you’ll disappear…”
*sigh* when i hear this i get extremely triggered…

i know i should stop… but the thing is that i really want to disappear… but at the same time i know I won’t really disappear… not in that sense of the word… I know that if I continue to lose more weight i will end up dead… But does knowing that make me want to stop? not really… maybe to a point… i want to be able to see my unborn baby… and i want to see my children grow up…

Last week I posted a list of numbers in my ed journal… This is a list of numbers I want to weigh… It feels weird though as I’ve never had any goal weight or a “number” I’ve wanted to reach… but i marked one of those numbers as my favorite… 111 lbs… I’m very close to that now… almost too close to stop now…
…and yes i really really want to disappear…

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