I am thinking about taking a little brake from the web… I need some time for myself and to try get some order in my life… and figure out what i really want for the rest of my life…
Right now it seems to me that i have only two choices… One is to continue with what I have been doing recently… starving myself and destroying my body and death… The other option is a lot more difficult…. life…. and an attempt to become a healthy human being…
Recently I have had a lot of confusion in my life… One day I say one thing…and another thing the next… I shift between having some kind of hope and none at all… between wanting to die and wanting to live… and wanting to be left alone in doing what i’ve been doing or be taken care off and not having to deal with my thoughts…. I don’t want these constantly changing thoughts anymore…
Anyone who reads this journal can tell that I am stuck in my own world of self destruction…. There are entries here written 4 years ago that are just the same as many of the entries i’ve posted in the last few months…. I want to brake down those walls of pain… I want to focus on what is behind those walls… It’s going to take time… but right now I don’t care how long it takes… I just want out of this prison… Not just for my family but for myself as well… I do think I deserve that now… I owe it to myself…
Even though I started this post by saying that I need a brake I will probably continue to post here every now and then… I need this journal and to work on my other websites just to keep my sanity…or what is left of it…. There might be some negative posts and there might be some positive posts… I don’t know that now… But I need to be selfish for a while… so in any case if I don’t post or of I don’t reply to an e-mail or any other kind of messages…. please don’t think that I don’t care anymore… I do care and I will continue to care… I just need to think of my self for a while…
hi gabriel,
im new to your site and WOW….how powerful.
however,please dont beat yourself up,your life is yours. i find that NOT thinking of the past is best for ME and,i had a day one.my new start and it helps..
take care. i find your writing very emotive,thats the idea huh,get us all thinking… thanx, be good,
bb,
billiecat xx
Life is hard… and life is not fair…. you know this, and I know it too… but it´s possible to survive… and to feel well.. it takes time and lots of energy… it takes love of ppl around you but love to yourself too.. Even I know that self-love isn´t much around you yet it doesn´t mean that you´re a hopeless case… You´re a father, a husband, a really nice friend and guy… and you have future! You´re the only one who can change your life.. and you know this! But you´re not all alone! There are many ppl which support you.. Sunna, your lovely kids, the unborn baby and your friend all around the world… And especially I send you lots of love and belief in yourself all the way to the northern state you live in… And I´m glad you´re trying… Without trying we all wouldn´t survive… And please take care… I know it´s hard… but there´s a way out of hell… just believe in it!!! (((Gabriel)))…
Although the second one is more challenging…. I would hope you choose that one! Love you!
its one of the most healthy things you can do gabriel….
take care of you
the crew
love you (((((gabriel)))))) please find me if you need me, please? im not in a good state myself, but ill do whatever i can for you.
You take as much time as you need hun. I think we can all understand. Humans are selfish creatures afterall 🙂 Take care. I’ll be back to see you.
hi Gabriel! (sorry, i haven’t said hi or NEthing for a long time…) …you know how you were saying like you return to your old behaviors whenever you try to get well maybe because it’s all you know– i feel that way too. if i’m happy for too long, i’ll have to go purposely fuck things up, because i can’t function without the structure and, i guess, plan, it gives my life… staying happy/well would mean re-inventing your life’s structure…finding a new purpose to continue it…like being re-born… we take comfort in what we know, in what is solid in our minds, no matter how crazy or dangerous a thing it may be. so, maybe that is the reason you keep returning to old life-styles and stuff… i’m definetly not saying i know it all and that shit! goodness, no. …but it sounds like you get over-whelmed with a world you don’t know all that well when you try to get better and then as a coping skill use SI-ing or starving/purging and all (i do all three too!), and then feel safe at home again, as contradictory as that may sound. you’re not a freak, we all have coping skills and things we return to to feel safe again when the world becomes too much. i’m not sure what to say. what you’ve known is what you know now… can’t change that… “you can’t change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust the sails” (you’ve probably heard that before! haha)… i mean, you can’t change your past and what your brain recognizes as comfort/safety… that would be the “direction of the wind” part of the quote… it would be difficult to change the way you perceive things, as sad or whatever, because that is deeply rooted in your past, a part of you… perhaps you feel a part of you is missing when you are happy? like you ought to be doing something else, something with more meaning? if that’s true, you’re not the only one. i guess the “you can adjust the sails” part of the quote is working with what you have, not trying to change or add on to yourself, but taking your energy and doing something creative or constructive with it, channeling the pain to where you will still feel it and have that security, but you gotta get it out, the pain, don’t let it sit inside you because then it errupts like some completely-“appropriate” person who suddenly snaps and is standing atop the table yelling obscenities, you know? it’s similar to trying to fast, and binging uncontrollably, and “errupting” like that, (and then puking to make it all better…getting that safety back…) (and then trying to fast again… like the “appropriate” person stepping off the table and politely excusing themself from the room and apologizing profusely… like letting your pain well up inside until it leaps out at you and you SI or something… go play the piano madly, write a book (have you?), become obsessed with expression, explore it… it can be anything, you know… and you can be horribly depressed and safe and all still, even if you change how you express those emotions… they are real! they’re gonna need to be expressed somehow, happiness may not be something you can live or deal with (i know i can’t!), so WORK WITH YOUR SADNESS! stop calling it the problem, because it’s what you know, it’s part of you and won’t go away,or you won’t go away from it, it’s the same thing if it’s a part of you… just put it to use. there are plenty of depressed geniuses and such and they suffer through their work, and they are like a work of art themselves that way too! accept yourself for who you are because of what you know or how you’ve learned how live and cope… and do something truely magical with it!
eek! sorry if that was a bit corney…
love you much ~spider
gabriel, whatever you decide to do, i hope for the best, yet most difficult choice. you’re a special person, and simply deserve to live a beautiful life. you are strong enough to make it, and i’m 100% sure you’ll be able to make it. your online freinds will be always there to listen to you, to halp you, to laugh with you, and you know that, so you don’t have to worry, just try and embrace life, the rest will come by itself!! 🙂
Hi Gabriel, I am also new to your site…Don’t know how I found you or WHY, I did for some reason Sooner or later I will find out. I find your writing very emotive and hanging on ever emotion you have. I feel the need to reach out and brake down those walls of pain for you… You sound like a very wonderful person and the world needs to know YOU ARE HERE..I am no-body in this world but myself and what you do is what is best for you to get the pain to leave your body and your mind. But I am here to be a friend as all the other are …Without trying we all wouldn´t survive… You will be in my thoughts and Prays..Stay safe..If you need a friend I am a email away..Kristie