This is a rant…i want to put this on my journal because I need to get this out… i don’t need any replies… no loving/caring ones… right now i want people to hate me… i want people to tell me how pathetic i am… that i am wasting everybody’s time… your time, my therapist’s time, my family’s time… and that I am stuck on my own self created hell and that is where I will always be…
yeah, Sometimes i want to stop all of this… stop hurting myself…stop obsessing about hurting myself… but it doesn’t last long…
Right now I don’t care… I try to think about my family… my friends… but right now that doesn’t help… I feel I am a burden to everybody… a burden to the world… but instead of suicide… instead of just getting it over with i want me to suffer…
Someone emailed me… asking me if I really have an ED… and if I wasn’t just seeking attention… tricking people into feeling sorry for me… to care about me…
I don’t like any food… I don’t starve myself too “look better”… …I don’t starve myself for the purpose of being “prefect”… …I don’t starve myself because i fear being “fat”… …I don’t feel fat…but sometimes I feel as if i am too big for the world… I’m visible… …I starve or…. eat and purge for the same purpose I SI… I do it for the pain… because that is what I deserve… and yes i probably am just “tricking people in to caring about me”… if I wasn’t …i wouldn’t be writing about all of this all over the place… right?
