Today i think i’ve started to write at least 6 journal entries that ended up to be very different than i wanted them to be… and ended up not posting them… Like usually…I’ve been reading posts in the forums i visit everyday… some for a while others that i’ve recently discovered… and while reading i form an opinion or think of a reply but once i start to write that reply my thought won’t come out… I know they are in there somewhere… turning around in circles… I see them… but I can’t make them stop circling… The same goes for everything i’ve tried to write today… and probably even this post too.

I hate it when i can’t make the words i find inside my head to appear in my writings… It’s not that i think i don’t have anything to write about… I think I do in fact and i’m not talking about these normal posted_by_gabriel day to day entries that I seem to end up writing all the time…even if i had something totally different on my mind once i opened up my wbloggar tool or whatever it is that i choose to use each time…
In the past i have found myself literally thinking or writing myself into a deep depression… not only on my journal though as I write a lot more offline than I do here… Some of those writings are required by my therapist..or rather what I write about… but it’s me who turns them into something dark and negative. I don’t need that at the moment… I don’t want that… so that’s why those 6 journal entries i wrote to day weren’t posted… I stopped writing them once i noticed what it was that I was writing about…

I had another nightmare last night and i know that is adding to the problem… Last week… or less than a week ago… i got some strength back for wanting to fight back on my eating disorder… and i know that is adding to the anxiety i already had for expressing my thoughts… including the fact that i haven’t SIed at all for a while… When i try to fight back on the thoughts of needing those i usually find myself going silent like this…but it doesn’t mean that I don’t need to say something ..if that makes sense… It’s even then when I need to say something… maybe more than ever…

I hope that anyone who reads this and probably more posts than this one…. will forgive me of my blabbing and poor writing abilities… and i guess… that after all this post isn’t exactly on the positive side… but…still … it’s here…