…this is a random rant…

i’m in a bad mood… dam it i wish i could explain how i feel in words but i can’t… i cut last night… or rather this morning around 5am…i haven’t cut for a while now… i hate myself for doing that… just a few weeks ago i wouldn’t have cared… not like this anyway… i haven’t told Sunna about it… and i don’t think she knows…

dam it… my doctor says i’m not telling the truth when i tell him i’m doing everything they tell me to do… i eat ..even though the f**king meal takes 2 hours each time, i’m not purging.. “the numbers say it all” he said … i’m losing instead of gaining… fuck why bother trying?

i hate my ed… i want my ed… i don’t want food.. i want to lose… i don’t want to lose…dam it i don’t know what i want… but i’m sick of me not knowing what i want… i’m sick of not knowing what happens if i lose my ed.. the SI and everything that has been such a big part of my life… it’s been there all my life.. i’m scared of “normal” scared of “recovery”… these words scare me… the meaning of those words… everything about them..

i thought i was doing ok… maybe had my brain turned of there for a few days…dam it I shouldn’t think about it… keep it turned off…i need to turn my brain of again… i need to keep it turned off ..dam-it..