People are asking me why i’m not posting these days… or why i’m not around as much… well I am around but I have been working on a project that at this time has been a lifesaver for me…
I am also trying my best to work though my addiction of self injury and eating disorder and a lot of issues from my past and in order to do so I have been keeping my self occupied elsewhere… away from myself…so to speak. But even though I’ve been doing everything that i’m supposed to be doing (as far as I know) I’m still losing more weight…
I have x amount of calories that I need to eat per day (I’ve never counted calories and In fact I don’t know how to do it… i’ve just avoided to eat… and I don’t know how much that “x” is but my wife takes care of that) and I’m not purging ….uhm well i’ve done it a couple of times in the last 3 weeks or so… but not close to what I was doing before…
My doctor doesn’t believe that I am in fact doing what I’m supposed to be doing… My wife probably doesn’t either… and for that I hate my eating disorder but also it makes me just want to give up trying to recover… and I have this feeling that I will never be able to really get out of this hell so why bother…. I am also very close to my goal weight but I know that once …or if.. i reach it I will just set another goal to reach… and then another…and so on…
Because of that I have been avoiding myself by keeping myself occupied with things that wont remind me of all of this… or that won’t make me sink deep in to thoughts of self-destruction because I know that if I start thinking about it too much I will lose the little control that I have and give up the fight…
I do wonder if all of this fighting is worth it… if I will ever be able to win this thing… I know that it would be a lot easier just to give up and _don’t_care_ anymore… Sometimes I really wish I could just do that… but it wouldn’t really make much difference… life would still be hard… just different…
I still don’t know if I want to get better for myself… if I deserve it… Technically I know I do just like anyone one else but it doesn’t _feel_ like it. But however I know I owe it to my family to at least try… and for now that has to be enough…
sometimes, tahts all you can do Gabriel is go on the “technically i know this” basis… i do that alot, i do “know” alot of things eh maybe it is “feel” alot of things…i jsut go along and do them becasue it is “right”… do what you have to , hug and love on your children as you can and keep going along…im not sure if it does get easier or not…but there are moments its worth it… i live for the moments at this point in time
the crew
that was supposed to say i dont “know” or feel alot of thigns darn spellign eh:)