ok i know i get this feeling every now and then… that I don’t belong anywhere… that there isn’t anyone that I can really relate too… and that i am just too fucked up to be around other people…dam-it i don’t deserve to be around other people… i’m a freak…
i’ve had a feeling that this was coming…. i lost control and i SIed… the ER people should have locked me up… I did a lot… badly…lots of stiches and 3 fractured ribs… i could have done so much more if my wife hadn’t woken up… dam-it! I wanted to do more… i’m angry at her… i fel bad for feeling angry at her… i’m angry at myself…. i hate myself… i’m bad… evil… just like *she* said i was…. why does it have to hurt so much? …not to SI hurts more than any of the things i did to my body last night… i know this post isn’t making much sense… i need to get this out somehow… so i’m just typing whatever is coming out of my head… but it doesn’t matter… it doesn’t matter what i need to do… what ever i feel i *need* to do is always wrong anyway… i always hurt somebody i don’t want to hurt… if i kill myself i’d hurt people… if i SI i hurt people… if i don’t do anything i will hurt people… i know i will… just like she said… because i’m evil…
I can totally relate with you on the whole “no matter what i do i’m going to hurt somebody.” But you have to keep in mind that you can’t please everyone all the time or you’re going to end up totally miserable, and when ya get like that life just isn’t fun. I’ve only read this one entry so i’m not sure about your situation or even who you are, but no matter what work to make you happy with out destroying others in the process, you’ll find that with you happy those that are around you that truly care will be happy to. ::hugs::
gabriel, you’re not evil and you’re not a freak. you’re a man who has been through hell and back again and survived. most people WOULD have given up by now. the fact that you are still here, still trying to work things through, speaks volumns for how strong you really are. hopefully someday you will realize that.