I’m no a roller-coaster ride with my Ed these days… one day i love it… and I want to hold on to it and everything that comes with it… the next day I hate it with passion and I want to recover from it… Some days this roller-coaster ride takes place in one day… even in a few minutes time… and I change my mind… not only about the ED but everything… I hate it… I want to be able to stick with one thing and work from there… I don’t know what to feel anymore… or what to do…
I spent last weekend with my sister and just because I got away with it i purged after almost every meal… I think there was only one meal that I missed and really…that was only because we went out and then right after she drove me back home… Shouldn’t I feel bad for behaving like that? Honestly I don’t… maybe I will later on but right now I don’t… Instead I feel that I have accomplished something that I haven’t had a chance to do in a while… And …by the way… purging with three fractured ribs hurts like hell… but I loved it…
Right now I love the fact that I have osteoporosis, pain in my joints and lower back… even the chest pains and the dizziness feels great… It sounds sick doesn’t it? yeah it probably does… but it makes the guilt go away… Because of those I don’t feel that terrible guilt that I feel every time I eat the smallest amount of food… and I don’t feel the overwhelming anxiety of it either… Right now it is worth it… even if it’s only for a little while… Tomorrow… or maybe even later today it will probably change…
No words, just *hugs*
it probably should….but it doesn’t…not to me.
Right now I love the fact that I have osteoprosis, pain in my joints and lower back… even the chest pains and the dizzyness feels great… It sounds sick doesn’t it? yeah it probably does… but it makes the guilt go away… Because of those I don’t feel that terrible guilt that I feel everytime I eat the smallest amount of food… and I don’t feel the overwhelming anxiety of it either… Right now it is worth it… even if it’s only for a little while…
i’m not wantign to sound patronising or false or anything like that so i’m a bit scared of writing this, but i felt this way tonight, about 3 hours ago i’m not saying it matters, or that we should start a club, *l*. just, that you’re not completely ‘sick’.
take care
i don’t think it sounds sick gab, i understand it actually. i broke my arm last year and refused any sort of treatment so i could make myself move it to feel the pain..because i needed something to help with all of the guilt caused by being horrible.
just hang in there, i wish i had something to really offer. love you (((((((((gabriel)))))))))))
i completely get it. i often want to feel like that as a means of validation. that the physical pain somehow distracts me from the mental rampages going on in my head.