I don’t know where I will go in this post. For a while now my head has been numb… Maybe it’s my way of not caring what happens to me… I’m not sure if it’s conscious or unconscious but I haven’t been writing much lately… I used to write a lot everyday… not so much in this journal maybe but more in private or something for my therapy sessions…
Sometimes I don’t really care about it… I don’t feel I deserve to be heard… I don’t feel i’m trying hard enough to overcome my mental problems so why should I waste other people’s precious time?
In spite of everyone around me have been trying their best to help me recover from my eating disorder, making sure that I am eating, making sure I am not purging after meals I am still losing weight… I haven’t had access to a scale at home since November but i have at my sister’s house… I spent the weekend at her apartment and the first thing I did when I got there Friday night was to rush to the bathroom and step on her scale… It said 51 kg… From my previous experiences with that old scale I know it isn’t the most accurate scale in the world but this number made me feel good about myself…
In February i mentioned a number that I wanted to reach… a goal… At this morning’s doctor’s appointment I was there – even lower than my goal. Yes, I’m pleased with my self… I did it! I’ve reached my goal…But there are also different kind of feelings running around inside my head… Feelings that are telling me that I shouldn’t be happy about this… guilt… feelings of not being worthy… feelings that are telling me that nobody wants to share my happiness of reaching this goal… dam-it I know it’s because people don’t want me to end up dead from my eating disorder… I know I have a problem… obsession… and yes i might die because of it… but still I feel I need to feel good about myself… even if it will only last for a day… even few minutes are enough fro me right now…
Yes I know… I should be ashamed of myself… but at the moment I am not…
