I think I’ve mentioned it before that I have a severe phobia towards doctors and all medical procedure… When I go to my doctor even if it’s only to check on my weight i disconnect from this world and most of the time I have very little knowledge or memory of what goes on in the doctor’s office…. This may probably seem weird or even childish to a lot of people… but this helps me and I don’t really think of it as being a bad thing at all…

Last night my wife was telling me what the doctor said to her after our visit there yesterday morning… The fact is that according to the doctor (and not really a big surprise to me) my body is severely malnourished… I have been eating… and with my wife’s help I’ve been following a plan that is built by a nutritionist and my doctor… I admit that I have occasionally stepped off that plan but for the most parts I’ve been eating a LOT more than I used to… In spite of all that I am still losing weight… and at a speed that isn’t exactly normal given the amount of food/calories consumed…

Now my doctor wants to try something else… tube feeding… a procedure that I have memories of from my past… I know that my past experiences had a different purpose… and that now it might be to save my life but I have a feeling that this will bring up something/memories that I won’t be able to handle… I don’t know if I will be strong enough to see the difference of now and then… I don’t expect anyone to understand the intense fear i’m feeling over this… i can’t really describe my fear in words… but right now I want to crawl into a deep hole and never come out of there again… I know all of this is in deed something that I could have avoided… but I had my eyes closed… I still wish I could just keep them closed… but i guess that isn’t an option anymore… at least not if i think about the people that still want me here ….alive…

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