I think I’ve mentioned it before that I have a severe phobia towards doctors and all medical procedure… When I go to my doctor even if it’s only to check on my weight i disconnect from this world and most of the time I have very little knowledge or memory of what goes on in the doctor’s office…. This may probably seem weird or even childish to a lot of people… but this helps me and I don’t really think of it as being a bad thing at all…
Last night my wife was telling me what the doctor said to her after our visit there yesterday morning… The fact is that according to the doctor (and not really a big surprise to me) my body is severely malnourished… I have been eating… and with my wife’s help I’ve been following a plan that is built by a nutritionist and my doctor… I admit that I have occasionally stepped off that plan but for the most parts I’ve been eating a LOT more than I used to… In spite of all that I am still losing weight… and at a speed that isn’t exactly normal given the amount of food/calories consumed…
Now my doctor wants to try something else… tube feeding… a procedure that I have memories of from my past… I know that my past experiences had a different purpose… and that now it might be to save my life but I have a feeling that this will bring up something/memories that I won’t be able to handle… I don’t know if I will be strong enough to see the difference of now and then… I don’t expect anyone to understand the intense fear i’m feeling over this… i can’t really describe my fear in words… but right now I want to crawl into a deep hole and never come out of there again… I know all of this is in deed something that I could have avoided… but I had my eyes closed… I still wish I could just keep them closed… but i guess that isn’t an option anymore… at least not if i think about the people that still want me here ….alive…
i totally understand the medical issues you are having. i often have similiar issues with doctors/hosp’s/etc because of my childhood. and most of all, the reaction isn’t childish in the least.
i wish that i had some sort of comforting words to wrap around this situation for you, but alas, i don’t. being able to deal with trauma is a huge thing and i just wish i had the words to make everything all better. please, take care of you.
I’m going to jump out on a limb and assme this is what you were out for these past few days?
((((((((((((((( Gabriel ))))))))))))))
I hope things are okay….Gab you are a bright shining light here, I care about you so much. :heart:
You dont know me very well, if at all but I lurk around your site and have read your writings here and you are a beautiful person and I really hope things get easier for you, you have had a bloody hard journey and you deserve to feel better. Im really inarticulate but you are in my thoughts
brokenglass: yup you got it right… this is why i wasn’t around… and partially why i’m still not around very much… or at least posting…
F….it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be though… yeah i have a tube stuck in my nose (that is irritating the hell out of me at the moment btw)…through which i get feed twice a day now… i’m supposed to eat “normally” too though… and physically i’m doing much better….I’m slowly getting some strength back which is good… the rest? we’ll see… i’m trying not to think about it too much at the moment…