*sigh* … I haven’t gained… not really… or “not enough” according to the doctor…
They talked about this at the hospital apparently… that they would add more fire feedings or whatever… more calories and all of that…
I’ve been eating normal food as well… That was hard before…it’s even harder now when you can feel the tube in your throat all the time… not to mention I feel bloated and/or nauseous all the time…
I don’t want to think about all of this… I don’t want to deal with this… but fuck I have to somehow… or I’ll end up in a hospital for a long time …or something…
…the only question is….. How?…
hey. i’m supposed to be gaining weight now too. …i hate feeling bloated too. it sux. i’ve never had a feeding tube though, so all i can really do is say i’m sorry, it must be awful although i don’t know. …i guess you just gotta remember all this shit will be over with someday and you won’t always feel bloated. …i find it incredibly hard to muster up enough motivation to eat and gain weight… it seems so… pointless… but i’ll end up back in the hospital real soon too if i don’t get my act together… but bulimia is really getting in the way of weight gain. and my recent blood tests will probably show an electrolyte imbalance. i’m freekin out over what the results will be… damn, i haven’t gained “enough” for them either… actually, i lost 4 or 5 pounds over the past couple of days, i don’t know, i don’t know if i want to “recover”– i mean, what’s beyond it? is there anything worth fighting for? …and i have nothing to look forward to, they took school away from me, at least until i gain another 9 pounds… and then they’ll want me to gain 5 more… and hopefully they’ll leave me alone to maintain there… i’m scared i don’t have the will power to stand up to bulimia and i don’t have the courage to look beyond anorexia for an answer to my problems… i don’t really know why i’m telling you this. i guess i just feel like we have a lot in common right now, i guess i’m just sharing my missery with some one who might *truly* understand. i feel like they’re taking away my right to self expression, making me “get better”. …i guess some motivation to eat better would be that even though you may not want to face it all now or maybe you don’t love yourself now… chances are you’ll change your mind at some point, and it’d be a shame if it was too late to turn back by then and you died, so eat now so you can live…happily…later. does that make any sense? …i wish you good luck and courage.
love, spider
p.s., if you ever want to talk or write or something, i’m at: scandelouspotato@hotmail.com
buh bye.
((((((((Gabriel)))))))
=(
I
i haven’t been around much lately but wanted to give you some xxhugsxx …i wish i could do more.
gotta work on those tunnel plans 🙂
*hugs*
i have faith in you.