…I hate my life… I hate me… I hate being sick all the time…

ok i admit i was doing ok this morning… and here i was thinking maybe things were going to get a bit easier i can’t seem to concentrate on one thing for more than a few minutes at the time… and I keep zoning out… going away to the past… I have the feeling that I’m never going to “get out” of this… that this is what it is going to be like from now on… I’m locked inside my own head and i won’t ever be able to get out of there… stuck in the past…. and I find myself thinking…what’s the use of talking when i can’t understand what’s going on anyway…

I wish I could close my eyes…see nothing…feel nothing… and when I open them again my life would be starting again… differently… and that I would be experiencing the world from the beginning… through eyes of a newborn child… be reborn to forget… but then again…do I reall know what I want… Now, maybe I want my ED to go away… yes but how will i feel later? I know myself by now…I’ve always shifted between wanting and not wanting something to go away… the eating disorder, the self-destruction… …. Right now I’m too tired to fight… too tired to think… too tired to sleep… too tired to be…

Everything hurts… love… happiness… sadness… hunger… etcetera… etcetera…

…of course it hurts. And of course I “know better” than to let it hurt in the first place. But it hurts anyway… All of it!
I don’t want to grow up, goddammit… Besides there are enough grown-ups in the world already, and just look at what they’ve done to the place. However great it is to build the star-ship, I’d rather be singing about the stars or hugging a giant Pooh-Bear…sucking on my thumb… without worries of the present or the future…
…Or something….