So i’ve decided to try this yet again…. to try start climbing up the mountain of recovery… I want to be able to sit at the top and look down and be proud to have come a long way… to be able to tell myself that I am strong enough not to fall down the hill again… and all of this will just be a part of the past… not the future and not the present…
I’m going through a very low period at the moment….but i’ve come to realize that i have to start facing reality… i don’t want to die from this…. I’ve had a few attempts of recovery in the past but they haven’t really lasted… and each time i’ve found myself trying to avoid food again… or with my head in the toilet… in desperate attempts to get closer to my ultimate goal… to fade into nothing…
Right now as i sit here i’m being tube fed… because my body can’t deal with normal food anymore… and even though i’d been eating and doing all that i could to “be a good boy” it just wasn’t enough… I can feel it going inside of me… filling up my tummy… making me feel like i’m going to burst… Of course I want to stop the…what ever it’s called… from getting inside of me… I want to rip the tube out from my nose and run to the toilet so badly… Knowing that there is something filling me up like that… making me grow… scares the hell out of me…. but i know this is what is and will be keeping me alive for now… I have to try to look at these feedings as to be a start of something new… something better…. the first step towards the top….
The way you just wrote that entry put a vision in my head of rebirth.
You want to start over and face reality, you want to recover, and I had the imagry of the tube being the umbilical cord, allowing you to grow strong so that you can be re born.
Gabriel, I am so happy to see you writing like this. No one deserves to die from this and I’m glad that you realized you don’t want to become a statistic.
You have a long hard road to travel. But we’ll be here every step of the way to support you. You can do this, there’s no doubt in my mind. You deserve it
Oh dear gabriel….. don’t mind if I dote on you for a minute here… I’m just so happy to wake up this morning and find a post from you here… I have the best feeling about this… I’m not sure why but I woke up feeling like today would somehow be different from the rest, and now I know why
Get out your hiking boots sir. It’s a loooong way up… and I’m not going to lie to you, it’s steep. But I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this… you have a strong strong soul, and though it may be hard… you WILL reach the top. You’ll get your chance to look back and know that your strong enough not to fall back down. You will. I know it.
Feeding tubes are so hard… they bring all kinds of mixed feelings and emotions. Try not to concentrate on it so much… if you have to think about it, remind yourself that it’s nurturing your body, helping it to be strong and healthy so that it can be ready to fight to get better. Cause thats the end goal right?
I’m so happy to see all the new posters here over the past few days. It helps to have each other around… and if you ever need us… we’re here.
oh my dear gabe, i’m so happy that you’re here.
the first step is the hardest, the first of many hard ones. but it gets easier.
and we’re here for you, all the way up the mountain.
We’re here for you Gabriel, in your journey up the mountain or to help you through a valley.
Im so happy to read this. I know you’re ready for this .
We’re all in it together guys.
keep fighting the fight… you are worth it and you can win this battle!