So i’ve decided to try this yet again…. to try start climbing up the mountain of recovery… I want to be able to sit at the top and look down and be proud to have come a long way… to be able to tell myself that I am strong enough not to fall down the hill again… and all of this will just be a part of the past… not the future and not the present…

I’m going through a very low period at the moment….but i’ve come to realize that i have to start facing reality… i don’t want to die from this…. I’ve had a few attempts of recovery in the past but they haven’t really lasted… and each time i’ve found myself trying to avoid food again… or with my head in the toilet… in desperate attempts to get closer to my ultimate goal… to fade into nothing…

Right now as i sit here i’m being tube fed… because my body can’t deal with normal food anymore… and even though i’d been eating and doing all that i could to “be a good boy” it just wasn’t enough… I can feel it going inside of me… filling up my tummy… making me feel like i’m going to burst… Of course I want to stop the…what ever it’s called… from getting inside of me… I want to rip the tube out from my nose and run to the toilet so badly… Knowing that there is something filling me up like that… making me grow… scares the hell out of me…. but i know this is what is and will be keeping me alive for now… I have to try to look at these feedings as to be a start of something new… something better…. the first step towards the top….

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