i feel … alone maybe… or dead inside maybe… i don’t know… it’s not like I don’t have people around me all the time…

i’m finding my self in _i don’t_know_silent_type_mode again…. well not that i really was back out of it… but it’s started to make me feel retarded or something… i can’t speak… and it’s not like i don’t have anything to say… I do but i just can’t say it…somehow…

i can’t do what has been such a big part of my life in the past…. i can’t write anymore… i can’t even write music anymore…

i am terrified of failing… i have had it happen so many times in the past… I say i’m going to get better…and really work on thinks… but after a while i give up …give in to my self-destructive thoughts… and i fail…

i’m terrified to show how i feel… to feel happy… to feel scared even… i know i sometimes (most of the time) over-react to certain things/situations days before I am in there… situations that turn out to be “ok” once I get there… It makes me feel stupid… embarrassed…
as i’m writing this i’m waiting for Sunna to get home …. i’m trying to be positive about this but i have to get the <!– –> tube replaced… and i’m panicking about it and i can feel i’m drifting back to the memories of my past…

i’ve tried to write about it… but i can’t really deal with that right now… yet i feel the need to get it out… does that make sense? I don’t know… all i know is that if i don’t get it out in a *healthy manner* i will eventually crash and hurt myself… that’s how it has been in the past…. being quiet or attempts to push those things away have never helped me… I know this …but i do it anyway… because i *can’t* deal….