No… I’m not ok…
i know i’m a total wimp when it comes to all medical procedures…
i know i turn everything to something much more than it really turns out to be…
Before it happens… I have nightmares about it that make me get terrified of falling asleep… i wake up in an out of control fear…. a fear of something that I can’t really pin point… just fear…
Up until recently I’ve always done a pretty good job at ignoring any thoughts like “what will happen” “what will be done to me” before i visit my doctor…and most of the time it’s nothing anyway really… don’t take me wrong though when I say it is “nothing” it still gives me the shivers… simple blood tests freak me out… being touched by “a stranger” (a stranger that I’ve been seeing for the last 5 years) freaks me out…
At my last visit to my doctor i had my ng-tube replaced… I don’t really want to talk about that except to say it did NOT go all that well… Since then I’ve pretty much been dreading the “next time”… My doctor suggested that since it seems like I’m going to have to be tube feed for a while anyway I might consider a g-tube instead…. He also mentioned that he wants me to have an upper endoscopy (or something like that) and some other tests/procedures that I don’t know the name of… I don’t want to know the name of those really… dam-it…yes I want to know…but….
i’ve not been sleeping well… if I sleep I have nightmares… and I’ve been to the ER because in my frantic efforts to *survive* and/or to stop these terrifying nightmares I made a foolish, spontaneous attempt to take my own life…
I’m sorry… *I know* and I am ashamed of that… even at that very second… *I knew*…. and maybe because *I knew*… I am here writing these words today…
Even so… Even I want to live… I find myself still being on the edge… holding on to a string that is almost falling apart… The string is warn out… and I fear it will brake any moment now…
I can’t push away the images…the torture… of my childhood… I try to remind myself that all my doctor is trying to do is to help me….and not to hurt me… that I don’t have to go through this because I deserve it… but instead this is because I need “it” to be able to have a better live for myself…
So I hold on to my string…. I hope it wont brake… I hope I won’t lose my grip… but I’m tried… so very tired… and afraid….
Hey baby, long time no see (well kinda :-p ) Having it rough at the moment babe? Damn I feel for you, I really do, words cannot express! I don’t really have anything interesting to say, but then again I never did! Love and snuggles
Poison XXX
you hvae my support constantly, always. and even if i dont have the perfect words, maybe that is because there aren’t any. i dont know. all i know is what i will always be telling you — you are an amazing spirit, you are strong, and you can get through this. if you ever lose hope, strength, determination or will — there is a tunnel waiting to be built *grin* and my support is always here for you. anytime, anyday. i wish i knew what to say. xxhugsxx
All I can say is that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the strength and courage in the world.
Update k gabez? And i am sorry 🙁
I know the moments in which you are nothing but afraid and tired, and when the string you’re holding on to seems too weak..but it never is, it is always strong enough to hold you. You have incedible strength inside yourself. It will always get you through, and even though it feels like you’re on the edge, and it keeps making you suffer, you’re alive.. *hugs*
Don’t be ashamed..you say yourself you wanted to survive, that was the point you did it. I understand.
I’m sorry I haven’t been around here often. Life has been so busy. But I think of you often. And I will be back, always.
(Looking at your link list..ahh a fellow MSP fan.. 🙂
hey sweetheart – just wanted to say – I know things are scary, but I’m also glad you’re willing to put up with your fears for the good it will do you. I replied to your similar post somewhere in lunchbox…I just wanted to leavea message to send my love.
I’m worried, dear…be well…
-michelle
words are a blessing and a curse; they are flighty and trite, but they can also wind up being the one thing that manages to help when all else fails.
and i can’t find a set of them to match the velocity of what i want to say here, now, so i’ll just say that if i could pluck the right combinations out, and put them here for you, i would. i would, and i’m sorry that i can’t. where these words leave off though, thoughts pick up, for you from me, and i’m sure i’m not the only one.
Gabriel,
You are strong. And don’t for one split second think I’m talking about someone else. I am talking about YOU. You are strong and you can fight and I admire you. You are timid. That’s who you are. Do not ever be afraid to show the world who you are. You are a wonderful person. You are kind, you are humble, and you are caring and decent. You are human. You are worth everything. You can get better. You can beat this and don’t think for one second you don’t want to because you know you do. You want to be able to say once again, “I love my life.”
And you will. All you have to do is fight for it. You have to fight for your right to love yourself and your life and you have to fight for the right to be a good husband and a good father and YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT BECAUES YOU DESERVE TO LIVE. You have the right to live. You have every right in the world to live a happy and promising life, and you can and you will.
You can do this.
Love always