yes there was a different post here before… i don’t need to explain why it’s not here anymore

i might rewrite it tomorrow or at a later date on different terms or delete it … or what ever…

this is something that i didn’t want to mention here but i’m lost now…

I do believe I’ve told you….

I am far from being perfect… and especially when it comes to deal with people i love… I have screwed up in the past and I will screw up in the future….

I can give you excuses like… I am a private person… or I’m scared to get too close to people… (which probably is part of the reason for my screw ups) …but there is no way I can expect anyone to really believe that is there?… I know that there are people out there that have those very same problems when it comes to dealing with people… but none of us is the same…

I know i often distance myself from people i care about… but …it is far from being because I don’t care about them anymore… I know I’ve often hurt the people I care about in order to protect them from something… myself maybe…or something that I fear that I might do to them… This fear is far more overwhelming for me than any other fear I have… and it numbs every nerve in my body… I know the source of this fear… I know it is screwing with my head and causing problems with people I care about… I’ve tried to ignore it… and i even do OK with it for a while…. but then the fear starts taking over and any rational thought slowly brakes… eaten up… but ….I’ve written about this so many times in the past… I have thought about it… tried to work on it in therapy… even been institutionalized because of it… but it’s still there… and i can’t seem to find a way how to overcome this… Maybe it just isn’t meant to be…

I know that some might see it as… that i get close to people for only one purpose…to get something out of that relationship for myself and then “dump” a person once i don’t have use for him or her anymore… and yes it hurts hearing that sort of thing… but I guess we’re all motivated by self-interest, really. We choose our friends for what we ourselves get out of them, not because we subconsciously think we’re doing them any favors…. I guess we choose our friends because they make us happy… because we’re stimulated by their ideas and conversation… because we respect and admire them… because we value their presence, cyber or otherwise …

And again I say… I am far from being perfect…

…but I can say this much for myself… and you can choose to believe it or not… when I say I care for someone… it’s *real* … and when I tell someone that I love them… it’s forever. When I tell a friend of mine that I love him or her, no matter what ever happens between us, that will never change. I may not always be the best friend I can be; I may screw up and never realize it; but I will never stop caring.

I do believe you can be hurt by a *true* friend … but a true friend will know, and believe, and accept, that you did not cause him/her *deliberate* hurt and you never would. Recently I learned that a while back, I had inadvertently hurt someone I consider a true friend, when nothing in the world (then OR now) could have been farther from my intentions … but I hope this friend does know… and believe… and accept… that it was not deliberate ….and that i would give anything in the world to be able to go back in time to undo the hurt i caused.

Likewise… this friend has done something which has hurt *me* like a knife in the stomach … but i know beyond any doubt that my friend did not mean to do so intentionally… I won’t elaborate on either side of that, or dwell on it any further. (As you can probably guess, I’m only writing all this to flush it out of my head…)

I don’t know what will happen between my friend and i…. or indeed between myself and anyone i know, over time … time is the only judge of what is meant to be…. and yet again… i often fuck up… too much…. I’m human (another big shock to everyone, I’m sure). But i can at least say this much for myself…. even though my actions are often in the wrong place… my heart never is … when I tell you that i care for you, it means i care for you ….when i tell you i love you like a brother or a sister, it means that nothing….*nothing*….will ever change that…. It doesn’t matter if we never meet or speak again for the rest of our lives….someone i love… i love forever. …and i would sooner hurt myself a thousand times, than deliberately hurt someone I love once….