I’ve been trying to start eating again… it isn’t going to great but there are only a few things my stomach can tolerate… Quite frankly I don’t know which is worse… not wanting to eat something because you don’t feel you deserve it or because your disordered mind tells you it will make you “bigger”… or the fact that you can’t eat this or that without getting physically sick…
I know that before …I did eat food that made me sick… but I didn’t think of it like that… I thought of it like I could just let everybody see I was eating and then i’d go quietly to the bathroom and throw up… i did that anyway… i did that even if i didn’t feel sick…
I think I have more anxiety about eating now than I had before… it wasn’t such a big deal before… yes I was anxious… but i dealt with that… or *did what I had to do*… It’s different now… I guess in a way it’s mostly my head playing with me… I find myself going back to the past… being forced to eat and knowing that what’s on the menu is going to make me sick… For a moment I become this scared little child again… feeling that there is nothing that will save me from the pain…
I know i still have all those thoughts of not being worthy of food… or rather… the formula that flows inside me though the tube… I know it is making me stronger…I know it’s taking me further away from “disappearing”… the magic number…. and it scares the hell out of me… I avoid thinking about how many calories are flowing in there day and night… I don’t want to know… I don’t want to know what’s in it…
But dam-it… i know the difference between being rational and irrational… I know that my body was eating it self… I know that I could never really reach a goal of weighing 0 lbs… at least not live to see it…
I’m so glad you’re trying, no matter how anxious it makes you.
I know how scary it is…but eventually they’ll fade…
Please keep fighting this, no matter how scary or alone you feel, you will never be alone.
Take care of you…
love
Michelle
You don’t know me, but I just wanted to leave you a hug and to let you know that I just read through your whole thread at LB.
Think of it this way…there must be SOME reason why you’re still here…why you haven’t succeeded at making yourself disappear completely yet… Think of your wife and children…and how much they would miss you if anything happened…
Take gentle care of yourself… You’ll be in my thoughts…
Each time, after throwing up, I stare in front of the mirror and tell myself that it will be the last time. Not more of this sickening thing. Because I want to be well. I want to be normal. Back on track. Not more hurting myself, no more throwing up, no more tears, no more pains, no more fears.
But each time, I failed myself. I disappoint myself. I fall back into the world of darkness.
I begin to hate myself. No. More like disappointment, for being so obsessed with my weight.
Can I walk out of this horrid and fearful world? Can I stand in the fore line and be strong to challenge my own mind’s perception? Will I be able to walk down the road in the next few years without all this obssession? Without of this sickness?
I tried and I failed.
I will try again, won’t I?
i look into the mirror everyday, and i hate what i see… i was the most popular girl in the school, i had lots of friends, lots of boys, and a great social life… But i met a girl, named ana, she had an over powering influence on me , in what mum called horrifying! Worring about her daughter going out on the weeknend boozing up, wasnt a concern; as i spent all my time with ana. we would sometimes laugh, but mainly cry together…. I dont know how many times i said i would leave her, i guess i would feel to insecure on my own.. please help me anyone who has advice, i want to loose 7kg, then perhaps she can walk away proud! love you all Rose xxx
I no how you feel teardrop, i always say this will be the last time it never is !