About a month ago i subscribed to a mailing list… a support group for people with gastropanresis…
I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to write an intro post of some sort… but it always ends up in the deleted items…
Although i know there are a few people on there that have a history of anorexia on that list… i feel like i’m a freak… I can’t help to think that these people are “normal” people… and I am not…
…….
I wonder if all my stomach problems in the past are because of what my mother did to me… I have a feeling there might be… When you’re fed with boiling hot liquids day after day something must give in… or when all you have to eat is rotten or even not made for feeding… or being forced to throw up if you had stolen “real” food in order to desperately tried to save yourself from starvation…. and it’s normal for you to be sick…
…….
For some reason…and yeah i do know that reason…at least to a point… I don’t like talking about my GI problems…. I don’t even like to touch this stupid tube… and i usually don’t… I know it’s there to keep me alive… but i can’t help thinking it is also making me bigger again… it’s giving me strength that i feel i don’t deserve… but yet at the same time I know i need that strength….
…….
I had a dream/nightmare the other night where i ripped the tube right out of my stomach… I have had thoughts of doing that… I wish sometimes i could… but then it occurs to me that I *will* have to go to the hospital and have it put back in… and I don’t know which scares me more… having the tube and/or getting bigger … or having to go to the hospital… so i guess it will just stay in me for a while….
…….
more to come probably… my mind is hyper today… and i’m feeling crazy…

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