A few things @ random because that’s my way of thinking at the moment…

Today has not been good…

somewhat a bad mood warning…..

I started it by giving in to the urges that have been bugging for who knows how long… i wasn’t going to but dam-it it still hurts… and it feels good…

I was able to finish my t-assignment only to find out that i won’t be going today after all.

I’m still having trouble writing… i see the words inside my head but i can’t get them on the screen …nor on paper… and i try… i want to say them out loud… a word is almost out but as soon as i take that breath just before… the word turns around and runs back inside my head…. like it’s afraid.

I got triggered reading something … memories… i think i lost some time there… one minute i was at the computer shaking and feeling like i was going to choke…. and the next i was outside… helping Emma with the lock on her bike…

Right now i hate the tube… sometimes it’s just there … nothing more nothing less… and sometimes i try to focus on the fact that i don’t have to pretend I’ve eaten… i don’t have to purge… but *sometimes* i miss that… i miss that now ….now the tube is there… and it’s making me bigger… and it’s making me feel like a freak…

Everything is making me feel like I am a freak… no matter where i go and look for someone/something like me… i don’t find it.. and i feel i can’t share anything… I’m supposed to be that strong silent-type guy who helps everybody… who listens to all your problems no matter what… I have 62, or over a months worth of un-answered emails from total strangers in my inbox… people that want me to listen to their problems and many of them want me to write back… …but why can’t it be the other way too? why does it have to be so fucking hard? I wish i could… talk… write… reach out and ask someone to listen… or something…. but i can’t…