Over the last few months I have been toying with the idea of going on a long hiatus and not just from this website but from the web altogether…
…but I’m still here…

I have started to write quite a few “good bye” entries during this time but never posted them because there is always a little something inside of me that tells me that if I do finish that entry and post it my decision will be final… and I wouldn’t be able to suddenly post a random thought or what ever is going through my head at that moment… I probably isn’t a very good reason…but that is the only reason I can give
…so I am still here…

Most days I sit here at my computer all day long… writing… working on my website… learning all kinds of things…. spending time on message boards or doing my email….or working on various projects… both for myself and other people… but all of these have helped me make it through the day at least for the past 5 years…

A few years ago I had a *real* job… and for a while there I *really* had a normal life… or what at least I like to think of as normal… but then I started to get sick… Maybe I should say… “I started to get sick again”… but instead of attempting to numb myself with drugs and by drinking “it” away this time I wanted… or at least try… to take it as it came and deal with it… Not alone… but with the help of my family and with professional help…

…but what… if anything… went wrong? …. Why am I still having nightmares? Why do I still have those feelings of self destruction? …not to mention acting up on those feelings? … Why is it that when I take a look at writings from this year, and 4 years ago, they look the same? …or do they?… I actually have no idea… Sometimes and in a lot of different ways I truly feel better now than I did then… but also at the same time in a lot of other different ways I feel worse…

I had a “head” doctor (only for a very short time) that told me that I was indeed beyond repair… I am still mad at that doctor for saying that to my face… but even though I sometimes fear that he was right… I probably should be thankful to him…

In many ways I am thankful to that bastard because no matter how deep I fall and/or how dark and scary everything seems… remembering his words is the very thing that pulls me back up again… and it makes me genuinely want to recover… to *get better*… and I feel I can not allow him to be right…

Post Traumatic Stress is no game… The way it looks to me… it makes you think of nothing else than things from your past… it makes you obsessed of just dwelling in the past and it blinds you of your future…

….but there *is* hope….there is always a way out… and no matter how hopeless things seem there is always a reason to keep fighting for something better…. I am slowly learning that… I am taking baby steps… tiny baby-steps… and even if or when I fall… and I am sure I will fall some days… I will stand up again…

There is still a long way to go… and I won’t say it will happen over a night and without a lot of work on my part… I am afraid…Yes, I am terrified… but I want….more than anything…. to be able to enjoy my life …and to be able to truly believe that I deserve enjoying it.

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