i’ve tried to be calm about this… but it’s not working…
it occurred to me that this might be what i’ll have to do for the rest of my life…
having a surgery every 3-5 months… and who knows what else…
in 5 hours i’m leaving for the hospital
and i don’t want to go
i want to run and hide
i wish this was all a bad dream and i will be waking up any minute now…
…but no such luck…
it’s ironic now… but i envy people that actually can eat…
i envy people who can make a list of what they ate today…
me nothing… no i lied… 3 pieces of Cheerios… 3 days ago… aint that something… and a sip of water here and there…
then my doc explains to me why he wants me to have this new tube put in… yeah the old one needs to be replaced anyway…but this kind of tube… the new kind… is better once i start eating more… because if i get sick and throw up it won’t move as easily when i vomit… damit… i don’t want to start eating again… i don’t want to get sick… or do i?
hell!… i used to get a kick out of being dehydrated… of that lightheaded feeling… or of feeling dizzy all the time…
i’m going around in circles…
i hate wanting something when i can have it…
i hate don’t wanting something when i have it… damit i hate “feeling”…
…and i hate me… i hate the fucked up me…
i screw everything up
i can’t even be crazy with out screwing it up
I feel like I don’t have an ED anymore… or maybe that I never really had one…and it was all because of this physical condition and a fear of food making me sick… a physical condition that I managed to screw up by wanting to lose weight…
I still have thoughts about wanting to lose weight… I still want to be so tiny that no one will be able to see me… because they don’t deserve having to look at me… i am nothing…. so why shouldn’t i be nothing?

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