i’ve tried to be calm about this… but it’s not working…
it occurred to me that this might be what i’ll have to do for the rest of my life…
having a surgery every 3-5 months… and who knows what else…
in 5 hours i’m leaving for the hospital
and i don’t want to go
i want to run and hide
i wish this was all a bad dream and i will be waking up any minute now…
…but no such luck…
it’s ironic now… but i envy people that actually can eat…
i envy people who can make a list of what they ate today…
me nothing… no i lied… 3 pieces of Cheerios… 3 days ago… aint that something… and a sip of water here and there…
then my doc explains to me why he wants me to have this new tube put in… yeah the old one needs to be replaced anyway…but this kind of tube… the new kind… is better once i start eating more… because if i get sick and throw up it won’t move as easily when i vomit… damit… i don’t want to start eating again… i don’t want to get sick… or do i?
hell!… i used to get a kick out of being dehydrated… of that lightheaded feeling… or of feeling dizzy all the time…
i’m going around in circles…
i hate wanting something when i can have it…
i hate don’t wanting something when i have it… damit i hate “feeling”…
…and i hate me… i hate the fucked up me…
i screw everything up
i can’t even be crazy with out screwing it up
I feel like I don’t have an ED anymore… or maybe that I never really had one…and it was all because of this physical condition and a fear of food making me sick… a physical condition that I managed to screw up by wanting to lose weight…
I still have thoughts about wanting to lose weight… I still want to be so tiny that no one will be able to see me… because they don’t deserve having to look at me… i am nothing…. so why shouldn’t i be nothing?
Recent Posts
Today-ish In History
- 2016: Invisible disability
- 2014: The Painist and the Girl
- 2004: grrr.... oh well
- 2003: I'm back
- 2002: Happy Birthday Sunna
- 2001: Please Listen
- 2000: hospital
- 1999: The weekend
thinking aobut you Gabriel… ~be gentle with you~
teh crew
it’s because whether or not you believe it, you *are* an amazing person, and you *are* deserving of space in this world.
I know seeing numbers on the scales is awfully triggering..
take care.
i believe in you and know that you can win this fight. never, ever give up.
…it’s two days after your surgery. i’m thinkin of you, and hope you’re okay. …i’m not good at being crazy either. 🙂 i dunno– don’t know if i believe in the term “crazy”, because everyone goes crazy in their own unique way, and so it doesn’t make sense to slap one lable on them all. …well, anyways, the fact that you are feeling the way you are and not singularly that you want to die and everything, seems like a sign that you know there’s more life out there, and can see it, although maybe small right now, in the horizon. …i’m glad they have the technology and stuff today to help extend your life… because there’s so much more to it still!
love you ~get well soon. *})i({*
~ spider
everyone does not go crazy in their own unique way. you ladies really ARE sick. and you DON’T deserve to be here. because life is tragic. and life is beautiful. and you have to take it for what it is, how it is. i wish all of you the fastest recovery, not that you want it.