I’m still in that low space i wrote about in my last post, 10 days ago…
Everything i write these days is weird… and out of context
it’s the same for my therapy assignments…
consider yourself warned….
there are things i think i need to get out of my head but i just can’t put them into words… nor writing…
There is an anniversary coming up… something that actually spans a few days… of events that I still haven’t really dealt with in spite of a few attempts
That’s probably why I SIed … I don’t know…. I don’t remember SIing… i fell asleep in the couch in front of the TV… i remember Sunna telling me to get to bed… I don’t remember but she said i went with her…
…sometime in the middle of the night… I woke up or “came to” after i was done…. it wasn’t too bad but bad enough for having to go and have stitches
Before that I’d been SI free for 64 days… which is a lot for me… and quite an accomplishment… and i’m trying to remember that…
But …pretty much… now I feel like shit… a failure… and stupid…
I don’t know what it was that I was trying to accomplish with SIing like that…
If it was just to make me feel bad…to hate myself more… to be in pain… it worked…
but I don’t know…
I stand on the outside…
I see a little boy that was hurt… a little boy that believed this was happening to him because he was bad and didn’t deserve the love that he so desperately wanted…
This little boy doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore….
…but when i’m inside again…. i don’t feel that little boy anymore… I feel the evil… I feel all the things they said….and I feel that I deserved all of it…
When I hear words like: “I care about you” …I feel as they are not saying those to me… but that they are saying those to that little boy… because they can’t possible be talking about me because after all… I am bad and i hurt people…
But *shrug*
>
i so understand these feelings!!!
~be gentle with you Gabriel~
the crew
(((((((((((((Gabriel))))))))))))) 64 days is a great accomplishment… i think you should just continue counting! … [minus one day] … If next time you’d only have 38 days without SI-ing [minus another day] … you’d already have 100 successful days!!!
you aren’t bad, Gabe. you’re a beautiful, sensitive man. {{hugs}}
i feel like i hurt so many people too… and it stings so bad when i get a compliment, i want to scream “don’t you see?? the little girl you once knew and loved DIED– LONG AGO!!” …but there is obviously something positive still existing in you, and i that makes people still love us… it’s something true, that we just can’t, or won’t allow ourselves, to see… why? i’m really not sure. …i feel like a monster, but i am the only one who sees myself that way… do you want to be that innocent little boy again? …cuz if you do, please know that you are still him… and an even more beautiful human now beacause you are the little boy and all that you have grown into, all that has contributed to the person you are today… you are the past the present, and all your dreams for the future that will keep you alive! it is such a beautiful and unique thing to be!
…and, hey, because you SIed again doesn’t erase all those days of progress you made before, being SI-free… perfection is impossible… but stumbling and getting up again and picking up right where you left off in your progress while learning to fly is possible… don’t ever stop trying to get better!
love you ~spider