I hate nothing more than feeling numb… and when no matter how you try to find something that can help you to get out of that numbness… nothing will… (…or almost nothing… but this “almost nothing” is not an option right now because of the consequences it has)

Tomorrow morning I will be going back IP… I can’t even feel neither happy or sad (or anything in between) about that… It’s just something that will happen…

Once I get there and if I’ll have a check up I might be put on restrictions because I have slipped a few times while I was home…
The holidays were painfull… I cried alot in self-pitty… I love my family (all of them) but to them holiday is about getting together and eat…

This year it made me feel left out…

Although I still have very mixed feelings about it a big part of me wished that I was able to be healthy so I could be a part of all that… I did have a little taste here and there but my stomach objected to those experiments so i stopped…

In case you haven’t noticed already I’m having problems with communications and/or writing a complete sentence… or at least write something that makes sense… I feel like my brain is asleep… I can’t think anymore… Maybe it’s for the best at the moment… but yesterday I sat down with one of my formula cans and tried to figure out how many calories I’m getting per day… Math has never been my strongest side but I feel I should be able to figure that one out at least… but oh well…

It’s really amazing thought …or weird maybe… that I haven’t tried to do this before… I’ve thought about it but always managed to push that thought away because I know it will make me obsessed about it… In away I am obsessed about it already but maybe my head is trying to tell me something by turning it self off like it has… who knows?