I was determined not to let “it” hurt me anymore

“It” being an event that happened a few years ago… an event that undeniably triggered me last Saturday…. an event that has filled me with enormous guilt and feelings of worthlessness, making me almost believe that every creature on this earth (and beyond) should truly despise or hate me…

I’ve posted (or tried to) about that event a few times in the past… so I don’t really see a reason to do that again now…

I was determined not to let her words hurt me again…

I let “it” and her hurt me again…

Somehow I wish I knew the words how to describe the emotions, the confusion… the emotional pain…and/or the physical pain even, that I feel when the urges get as strong as they did… It’s not to try to justify those feelings or the actions that usually come from those feelings… but more to try to understand them… analyze them maybe… or even only to find a little something that I can use the next time… a rope of some sort that I can use to hang on to …just to keep my head from going under in the future…

I have looked for that rope before… Sometimes I’ve found it and used it … sometimes unsuccessfully but …lately… successfully… But the thing is… that it doesn’t always look or feel the same… it has different colors, shapes, and texture…

Maybe I found my rope Saturday night…. but lost my grip because it hurt to much to hang onto it… and so, because it was easier, I allowed myself to slip beyond the surface… Maybe I let myself slip because it would cause me to feel yet more unworthy… and more guilty… who knows? and really does it matter now? It’s done and can’t be undone now anyway… words so easy to say…or write… even read…

I was determined not to let “it” hurt me anymore… and …not to let her words hurt me again…

I know that by my entry on Sunday you might get the feeling that this was the staff member’s fault… and that this person somehow failed me… Honestly… it wasn’t truly like that… not really…

A part of me wants to entirely take the blame for it… It probably wasn’t anyone’s fault… not really… or at least ….that’s what I want (wish) to believe… Maybe it’s for the best just not to think about it.. It happened and I don’t feel a need to blame anyone
I gave up on fighting the urges… I said I was going to bed… I did go to bed… but although I made everyone believe I was asleep… I wasn’t… but instead… waiting (an hour at least) for the chance…

There was no magic… no dissociation… just a change of mind… and a lie…
….. all I needed was a split second

I don’t want “it” to hurt me anymore…. I don’t want her to hurt me again…
I was am determined not to let “it” hurt me anymore… and …not to let her words hurt me again…