Yesterday morning I started writing a post but considering the mood I was in (not a good one) I decided not to post it… Not because I don’t feel that I shouldn’t post my bitter angry kind of thoughts…as I truly believe in the act of “expressing and/or writing about what you feel right now” and it being a good way of later learning new ways to deal with what ever (bad) reoccurring feelings of the same sort… The reason I decided not to post that entry was more because after re-reading that particular, potential post I realized that almost everything that I’d put in there wasn’t really how I felt… but rather the voice of my eating disorder speaking through me and in the exact same manner it has spoken so many times before…

I don’t know how much sense this makes to people… but I know I have a thing… a weakness maybe… for desperately/obsessively trying to search for a cause for everything… and I spend days…sometimes months… thinking about it. One of these most recent obsessions is to think about how… or more like… why do I have gastroparesis?…. is there something specific that caused it… and then what? …or thoughts like: which came first… the eating disorder or the gastroparesis?… do I really have an eating disorder or have my eating disordered frame of thoughts just been a result of this physical illness that has just been missed (or not thought off) by every doctor I’ve seen in the past?

I guess it is there where a big part of me… or my eating disordered side, wants to be right… and wants to desperately deny the fact that maybe it’s only there because of a physical malfunction… Sometimes it’s like it has to proof that it was there first… and it keeps repeating over and over words like: “you take up too much space… you are fat!” Yes… those are words I heard almost every day while growing up… and they probably were engraved into my brain then…. yet I know that as a child I was indeed under weight and even malnourished…. Also… I know that I am still under weight …but still I sense the despair of those words and how they trigger me to be in the type of mood I was in yesterday…

But really… does it matter? Should it matter? which came first? since it’s all there already? Maybe… maybe not… and since my doctor (gastrologist) can’t really know this for sure either then why bother thinking about it as it’s only going to make me more anxious and annoyed towards myself?

I here by promise….mostly myself… not to think about this so much …after all:
“Up to one third of patients with delayed gastric emptying have no identifiable cause of their disorder, and are thus classified as having idiopathic gastroparesis. 30-50% of these patients may provide a prior history of a viral illness. It is believed that the viral illness may result in damage to the myenteric plexus, smooth muscle cells, and interstitial cells of Cajal. This may result in neurogenic and/or myogenic disturbances of the stomach leading to gastroparesis. ” [source]

…and now i’m off to continue working on my website…