Sometimes I wish I was physically unable to speak… things would be so much easier then…

*Pointless negative ramblings ahead… read at your own risk*

I know I can be very good at avoiding things that scare me… one of those things is speaking… I hate hearing my own voice… the stuttering… lack of vocabulary… lack of the ability to form a complete meaningful sentence… and that silence that comes between the words… knowing that there is someone that is waiting to hear the next word coming out of my mouth… not to mention this same someone possibly looking at me while he or she waits to hear what I’m going to say… As much as I know that these fears are irrational… as much as I know that other people do this everyday without ever anything bad coming from it… I find it impossible to do… This isn’t a matter of trust or not to trust someone… Uhm at least i don’t like to think so… I trust my wife… and my children …and although those are probably the people i actually say the most to… i still feel the anxiety building up with every word i speak… Of course i wish i could have (some sort of) conversation with them… but the anxiety and avoidance is stronger… I just can’t deal with it… and yes it’s easier that way… not dealing with it…

There has been a lot of anger in there lately… that different scary kind of anger where you’re afraid to let go of because you fear that you’re going to “lose it” and or hurt someone/something if you do…

Hopelessness… is also wandering about in there… Feelings of wanting to give up on everything that I’ve been working on for the past year… just because it’s easier… and self-pity… no one understands…. frustrations pointed at people that want me to change things i don’t want to change… or maybe… I want to change but I’m just avoiding to work on those because I’m afraid… and feel I’m not ready

My therapist is leaving me… I’ve been able to be myself with her… not by taking… but by writing… There is so much going on inside my head right now… so many thoughts…. voices…. but it’s almost impossible for me to get it out of there… I don’t see much point in that anyway… The person who will be replacing her… refuses to let me do that anymore… He wants me to speak instead… It’s for your own good he says… but what if i don’t want to do it? … what if i can’t do it? And yeah …in a way he’s probably right about this being “for my own good” …one step closer to a normal person for me… if that makes sense…. but still ….this is one of the things where i don’t feel a need to change… and yeah i don’t really care how childish that sounds…

– I don’t want to deal with – it – why can’t you understand that and leave me alone? –

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