sometimes i really wonder if it’s all worth it…

I had a session with my pdoc/t today… we pretty much just sat there staring into thin air…
I’m on an emotional rollarcoster today… It’s going fast… from one extreme emotion to the next… i’m “normal” one minute and the next i’m down crying like a baby… then paranoid …or I’m letting things bug me that i shouldn’t let bug me… and then “don’t give a shit” attitude the next…
i haven’t been able to do much of anything today… not even the usual stuff like reading the forums properly because of this…

i ‘m afraid to either make a fool of my self with my replies or sounding like i was biting someone’s head off… or i have that overwhelming feeling of not belonging… that everyone else is way too different from me … normal maybe… that nothing i say will make any difference at all…

A while back…when everything was going smoothly with the tube… I said that I wished I would be having problems because of it… I said that out of fear… To me it was “making me fat” and it was preventing me from any control over my body …nutrition wise (or lack there off)… and that scared me….

now it’s not going as smoothly…so i got my wish …but i don’t want it anymore… Now… over the past month or so it’s the other way around…. It seems like there is trouble after trouble… everything from my pumps braking down to horrible abdominal pain… and/or mild nausea or discomfort in my stomach to throwing up bile …and not to mention infections…

yeah sometimes i wonder if it really is worth it… but i also wonder… what if it really is worth it? When things are though I have to remind myself of that possibility too…. sometimes it just seems too much to handle