This is very random… and i’m jumping from one thing to another…. a semi failed attempt to get things out of my head i guess…

Over the last three months… maybe even longer… I have wondered who I am… Who is this person who sits here and writes these words out there on the screen? Who is this person who is married to my wife, father of her children…who I see in the mirror? I’ve also wondered what other people see me as… what impression (if any) I make on other people…

Next Monday it will be my last session with my therapist… She has been my therapist for a very long time.. maybe too long some might think… She knows my darkest secrets… my dreams… She probably knows more about me than anyone else… probably more than I know myself… at least… it seems that way at times…

Most of the time I am a very insecure person… and I am usually shocked (surprised maybe) to find out that someone else feels insecure around me… and/or if someone finds me remotely interesting… It used to bug me quite a bit when people told me that they cared about me…for one reason or another… and i guess that i often tried to avoid people who did… or tried to push them away weather it be intentional or unintentional… Looking back to my childhood I pushed people away then too… (the very few that did actually care or got the chance to care)
In a lot of ways I am someone who a person who avoids the company or assistance of others …a “loner”… at least i am in real life… but at the same time i am also someone who wants that company of others… wants to be able to interact with another “real” person but is too scared to be hurt… or something….

To want something… and not wanting it at the same time… that’s a description of my life i guess…

— I’m just a scared little man trying desperately to find himself in this big and scary world…

For a very long time he’s been looking for him self… sometimes …most of the time maybe… in all the wrong places… but for some reason he has managed…with the help of good people… to find his way out of many of those “wrong places”… while sometimes he feels lost in other “wrong places”

…a big sigh
…I’m tired of this…
I’m tired of running away from things… and I’m tired of the fear I feel when I don’t run…

…Sometimes… I feel that I have nothing left to say… I feel like I’ve said it all before and i’m just repeating myself over and over again…
when will that end? will it ever…. ?

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