I have been fighting this ulcer thing for over 10 years and some other GI-tact related problems…probably much longer but then untreated… and when I went into rehab for the drugs and alcohol abuse I was told that a few more days of drinking and I’d be dead…. but the ulcers had, then… almost eaten through my stomach wall…

The drinking isn’t/wasn’t the only major cause though… This is something that I haven’t talked about much before I guess… maybe embarrassment or something of that sort… You know I have hurt myself on purpose for a very long time… and hurt by my mother before that.. you know about the cutting… you know about her cutting me… and about her burning my insides by pouring hot liquid down my throat… and there is more… a lot more… but this… the physical problems that I am having now… or at least a part of it is also caused by all of this… years of this… past and recent… This is something that has been with me for a very long time…. methods that I learned and used since from a very young age… and it is easier to hide than an “outside” SI… I know I’m being mysterious here… but I don’t want to be too open about this…or for anyone to get any ideas… if that makes sense…

I’m not doing IT anymore …or haven’t in a few months…and I don’t plan to do it again… but the thing is that my stomach, as well as my esophagus, is pretty messed up because of all of this… (uhm even all the way down to my colon) 10 years ago I got better with treatment…. but only to a point… It was a warning sign that I should have seen… but I didn’t…or chose not to see it… I knew what I could and couldn’t do to prevent more damage being done… but I didn’t… I just didn’t care….

BUT I CARE NOW!

…though I can’t help wondering if it’s too late maybe?

As things are now, the fact is that my stomach is unusable… I have nerve and muscle damage… most likely according to my doctors from untreated infection… probably caused by SI as well… but there are other factors too though… right now my stomach is covered with ulcers, bleeding… to a point where I have had to have a blood transfusion… several times… I haven’t been able to eat anything orally for months with out getting sick and I end up having to have my stomach pumped… because I am in so much pain… The only thing I have orally is hard candy and water…but on a bad tummy day that hurts too…. All the nutrition I get goes through my j-tube bypassing the stomach…. and into my small intestine… Although I hated the tube with passion, especially at first… I also know that if I didn’t have it I would have starved to death… and I got real close as I went down to dangerously low weight…

Like I said in my last journal entry… I can’t deal with things like this all too well… A few months ago I would have thought this was just something that I deserved… because I was bad… because didn’t do what I was told … and that the operation is just another punishment… just like any other “punishment” I’ve been through…either from my own hands or my mothers… but really it’s not the way I see it… or at least not the way I want to see it…

I don’t want this to kill me… I have never been afraid of that in the past… but I started being afraid last year when my organs started failing… one by one… I guess I hit that bottom, people often talk about…. where you take a u turn and try with all your power…. power that you didn’t know you had…. Yes… I am terrified that I won’t be able to see my children grow up… there is so much damage that I have caused upon my self… my body… I’ve made promises that I have not been able to keep in the past… but I’m doing everything that I can now… for nobody except myself… because I truly believe that I deserve..after all this time… something so much better in my life…

I am scared… I am terrified… but I don’t want to be scared anymore…. I don’t want to be in panic over what might happen in the future…and over what might not happen… the medical procedures… the doctors…. the pain both physical and emotional… My doctor said that he might be able to leave parts of my stomach though according to the endoscope I had when he replaced my tube things didn’t look good… The paralyzing fear I’m feeling may be normal… but I don’t want it… It’s been a part of my life for way to long now…. It’s just not worth it…

Right now I just want the pain to go away…. Right now I want to be able to live with out being afraid of the things my mother planted inside my head… but I’ve let that fear control me my whole life… Right now I want to be able to live long enough to be able to see my children grow up… to be able to spend more time with them and my wife… that would be good enough for me… with or with out my stomach… with or with out the tube… it doesn’t matter… I just want to know what it feels like to not be so afraid anymore…