warning… i’m in one of those weird kind of paranoid kind of mood… feeling like everybody hates me and don’t want anything to do with me and couldn’t care less if i’d disappeared for good…

also this is very random…

not much to say…

i’m home… i should but yay here because this is what i worked on all week… i don’t feel yay though… bleh is more like it… and well that makes me feel bad… makes me feel guilty….

I find it hard to browse LB these days… I get angry… I get scared… I get scared of being angry…. it’s crazy… not really in the ED forums or in the SI forums… i connect posts with me… my experiences… want to jump on people… or shake them because of what they are doing…. or what they are not doing… or the way they post… or the way they think … or of what they believe…

–shrug–

I know that’s not right…. so i try my best to keep away… but i’m drawn back to some of these posts…. in any case… it’s not you guys… it’s me… this is me torturing myself… knowingly… when i’m in this kind of state mentally… i do this… nobodies fault …except my own…
things talked about in therapy are making me more anxious… more crazy… abuse stuff versus the present… every little thing i do in the present time… i find something to connect to my past… and it’s getting worse… not better… i’m falling… at a high speed… right down there … again… and i try to get a hold of something… and just when i almost get a hold of it i see it’s not what i thought it was… like it transforms into something evil… some horrible memory from my past… and there is nothing i can do …other than let go and fall further down into the darkness…

…but i pretend like nothing is wrong… how can anything be wrong anyway? i have a family… a wife who loves me… beautiful healthy children…. life is going great…. i’ve never had it as good… as safe… what can be wrong?… it’s all in my head… right?
Gabriel what’s wrong?? me? nothing i’m ok…. i’m fine…

*sigh*

Gabriel what do you think about…. ? uhm me? I don’t know…

*sigh*

…what happens if i tell the truth?… worries and more worries…

…what happens if i say what i believe? …. I don’t know… people won’t like me anymore… anymore? do they like you now? no… they say they do…some at least… but i don’t know… maybe they are just being nice…

People will like you… she said… don’t let it get to your head… because if you start to believe that…or if you start to see you as they do… then some good people are going to be hurt… now do you understand that?

…yes I understand…