I didn’t have a good night last night… and wasn’t able to sleep much….so this may not come out right… or at all… giving it a try anyway….
My treatment team decided to try to increase the rating of the feeding formula… I’m trying my very best to be positive about it…and my conscience tells me I should… I know I need this… that I’ll have more energy …to get my weight up… and to get stronger… but there is this side of me that doesn’t want that… probably because of fear more than anything else… fear of getting better… fear of changes maybe….
I couldn’t sleep very well last night because I am feeling pain in my abdomen… I know this could very well be a real physical pain… I’ve felt that pain before… but, although I can’t really be sure… something tells me this time it’s different… In the past I’ve only had to hear my doctor talking about increasing my formula intake and I get this feeling inside my tummy… this pain inside my abdomen… Like something is going to burst in there… I feel bloated… and yes I feel fat… and I know that more rate of the formula is going to get me further away from something that I know I shouldn’t want but yet want so desperately….
*Sigh*
Yes… I guess this is one of those whiny posts from me… one of many before this one… I have thoughts in my head that tell me that everything I am feeling is not how I should be feeling… I know that I should be holding my head up high and move on… that I should be putting all my energy into thinking positive and to push those thoughts away… far away and never embrace them in such a way I am doing at the moment… Dam-it… I know I am way to thin… and I know my weight is way to little and that my current/past feeding rate isn’t enough for me…. I know all that… I am not that stupid…. But knowing and feeling isn’t the same….
How can one be sure that something is real… and something isn’t real?
There are so many things that seem real to me… that really aren’t…. people tell me… and sometimes I want to believe…. sometimes I am to scared to admit that I want to believe… sometimes I don’t want to believe…
…yes I’m aware that what I feel is real… it is real to me… but my conscience tells me I need to ignore this feeling… that I need to put my trust on other people… because as long as I am “feeling” nothing will ever change…
Maybe the real thing is I don’t know what I want anymore…
…I guess that will pass… it always does… but that doesn’t mean it won’t come back again and again…
I wish you all the best Gabriel! This is my first visit here, and I’m amazed. I hope I’ll get to read many more of your blogs. Take care!
*biggest hugs* I know what is going through your head, and I know what has been familiar to you, but sometimes change is good, especially if it means your health. Thanks for the hugs earlier, I really needed them ..
Hi Gabriel,
I started reading your web log two months ago and I have to stay, it’s become a habit. I have to firstly commend you on your courage to openly share your joy and pain with the world through the net. Very few as much as it is therapeutic, many prefer to keep to themselves. Reading your blog has given me courage to go more public about my own conventional journal.
I think just by sharing the pain you are going through, you are not only helping yourself but other people too…it then becomes a bit like ‘your pain is your cure.’ Mine to continue wishing you the best as you grow stronger each day eventhough it might be difficult to believe it whenever you are feeling horrid. Remember the impact of your blog on others…it’s extra-ordinary!