I wanted to write about this in March… at the time I was having trouble sleeping… having nightmares… as well as urges to SI…
I don’t know about the rest of you but this is a highly triggering subject for me… so just in case…and even though I normally don’t specifically mark my posts as triggering… be careful….
I want to say something…. but I don’t know how to put it… No, honestly I do know how to put it… somewhat at least… but I am afraid what you may think of me after I do… uhm yeah I really do worry about that… and I wish I didn’t but I do…
…I am terrified… and really I have been to afraid …or to embarrassed to write about this… or even to admit that I partially at least still believe my mother… and to let go…
It has partially to do with past… wait.. isn’t everything in my life about my past… every hour of the today? It’s seems like a forever ongoing cliché .doesn’t it? ….or is it a cliché…is it something else? …. maybe…or that’s how it feels sometimes…
— “It’s because your mind is poisoned by this thing from your past and the poison keeps spreading and you feel there is nothing you can do about it… except to wait for it to eat you alive…”
Never mind… that isn’t what I started this post for….
Again… this is something that started in my past… and this is probably the biggest and the strongest demon of them all… And I know… this is the cause of almost all my fears of recovery and probably all my relapses as well….
As a child… as far back as I remember… I was led to believe that I was different… That nothing about me was good… everything I did… everything I said was (supposedly) for a different reason and/or the opposite reason than I believed…
My mother believed I was “cursed”…that I had evil powers which were her task in life to prevent and/or to teach me to control… Don’t get me wrong… I know how utterly ridiculous this sounds… I know now that my mother was a very sick woman… but I didn’t know it then… She was my mother… Of course I didn’t like this… of course I longed to be like my sisters… be “normal”… get to go to real world schools like they did… and that I wouldn’t have to go through any of “that”… but I believed her… and I believed her reasoning behind why she did what she did… and in a way a part of me still does… or at least is too afraid to let go of this thought… just in case if after all she was right….
Today… I often blame myself for everything that goes wrong… especially if I’ve had “a warning” before…
Warnings are dreams… my nightmares… I dream about things happening… events… It doesn’t happen exactly the same way as in my dreams but it happens… My mother took this as a sign… but after my baby sister was still born in 1975 and after me telling her about my nightmares… not to mention me telling her face to face in anger towards my sisters that if the baby would be a girl I’d hope she would die… (As bad as this sounds keep in mind that I was 9/10 years old at the time).
Although she still felt she needed to abuse me during the pregnancy… it didn’t seem as important to her like before… but after it was the same thing over again…. and if anything it changed from bad to worse…
–“To prevent this from happening again… you must suffer more… you must be in more pain… it is the only way. ”
–“Siete diabolici”
–“If you have a dream like that again we must do something about it… to keep it from happening.”
–“Siete diabolici”
Again… don’t take me wrong… I do know how all of this sounds…
…but
I dreamt about my baby sister dying …she did
I dreamt about the fire… it happened
I dreamt about the accident….
…the death of my sister Maria… and Chris…
…my baby Maria Carolyn….
I have had other dreams like that… and nothing happened but all those times I did something (bad) to myself instead…
…because at the time… every time i feel there is nothing else i can do about this…
…Even if i want to ignore it… how can I be sure? how can i be sure that nothing will happen.. and if it does… how can i be sure it wasn’t my fault?
*sigh*
…this is really one of the things i shouldn’t talk about because there is no solution to it…
no meds or anything….
this is my past… and i guess this is my present… as well as my future…
I don’t want this to be my future anymore… that much i can tell you…
but I don’t want self blame to be that either… I don’t want to live in fear of having to “take the chance”…
i know this is why my mother doing… believing i was cursed … making me believe ….or something…
…yes maybe she was just crazy…. for believing that…and for making me believe that…
I get all positive and determined for a while and then i freak out and fall right back down again…
because I am afraid to let go of this…
I’m too afraid to take a chance… and just say fuck it… because I keep wondering if she was right then it will be my fault if something happens…
But this is the reason why I am so terrified of getting better… terrified of feeling good… terrified of being happy… even for one week… couple of days… one day or even only a part of a day… but yes I do that anyway.. I do allow myself to feel good… smile and have fun occasionally… even without feeling bad or guilty about it…
…I’ve been trying to recover for so long… to “work thought my shit”…. but all along I’ve been terrified…. terrified and mostly of this one thing…
Gabriel,
One thing I can say FOR SURE is that you are NOT evil! I have read your journal from the beginning to the most recent, I have seen your children’s memorials, I have seen Maria’s Memorial and Chris’s journal, I have seen pictures of you, your wife and your children. All I see is love…love for your family as well as love for others in pain such as yourself. So evil? It is just not there Gabriel! –Your mom was so wrong…and how sad for her because she missed out on a great guy! You take care — thinking of you! Carey
Gabriel,
…hehe…::
I can only imagine how such a horrible thought can plague you so….I wish it could stop for you….though, I can kind of understand the..thought process….”if I don’t do such, how will I know whether there will be a consequence..? And if something bad does happen, was it because I didn’t do such?” Oh Gabriel, it is not you that is evil….it is the thought itself…the fact that you can’t help but think it….that is the evil….but never you….I’m here for you if ever you should need it…
~Sarah..
::ps- Sarah hearts Gabriel…
Oh Gabriel….I can’t say with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT THERE IS EVIL OUT THERE BUT IN NO WAY ARE YOU A PART OF IT …It is possible you can see the future but you cannot cause it …evil looks nothing like you ….I would say your mother was evil but she was VERY SICK…. HOW TORMENTED SHE MUST HVE BEEN …. You are the purity that comes from the love of two people ….your parents ….you need to have therapy in which you reaffirm how good you are until you no longer heat your mothers cruel but very sick words ….when we learn about your suffering we see you even more as a WARRIOR ….A GREAT WARRIOR WITH STRENGTH OF MANY MEN …..I surely would not have survived such abuse ….my father walked away from us as children and my sister and I grew up feeling we were not lovable ….so after I divorced I never dated again …my last date was when I was 22 ….filled my life with other beautiful things ….our parents affect our lives greatly ….it’s kind of sad I. A lot of cases we can’t overcome that ….god bless you Gabriel….you are not evil ….I see an angel ….the Angel Gabriel ….the archangel Gabriel sends important messages from God … Did you know that …. Think about the purity on your name … You have clean beautiful parts to … Try to keep focus on all the light in your life
Beth ..my friend… It took me a long time to believe my mother was wrong… I’m not evil… I know that now… I know I cannot do any of those things she said I could do… I spent many years believing it was true… too many …years in fear of myself… fear of allowing myself to be healthy… fear of allowing my mind and body to heal… in fact I spent over 40 years believing her… or maybe… I spent those years being too afraid not to believe her…
I still have my “dark moments”… Yes I still hear her words every now and then in the back of my mind… So far I’ve been able to fight it off… and I hope I will be in the future… My medication help… and yes I have and am currently getting therapy…
I wonder what makes a grown woman pick on a small child, a small helpless child.
You’re not to blaim for any of the things that happened. You do deserve happyness, to grow old seeing your children and grandchildren grow up.
Gabriel.
Something I’ve always found ironic in the idea that your mother tried to convince you that you were evil is that you have the name of an angel, and the heart of one too.
I know there’s nothing I can do to make your doubts go away, but try and remember, every time you’re scared that maybe she was right, that above all you were named Gabriel…
and that’s angelic and beautiful to me.
(()).
gabriel –
i just wanted to leave a note and say that none of this was your fault. these things happen and our mind has an awful way of making things our fault, cause at least maybe then we can control it.
your mother used you to give her control over bad things happening.
i wish i could show you that you bring so much to others’ lives.
Gabriel,
I’m not sure if my comments are welcome here, but if they are then here they are:
I don’t know if you would believe me if I say I completely understand what you have written here. But I sincerely do.
Perhaps I’ve not been in the exact same position as you, but I … I do understand.
I’m so sorry to hear of all the tragedies that you have had to live through, and at times I’m sure, over again. Sorry doesn’t change anything, neither does dwelling – but a helping hand, shoulder, or ear CAN. So this is what I give to you.
At any point in time.
My door is always open.
This at very least I do understand.
-chained from LB
<3 <3
Your NOT evil. I have also dreamed of things that happened. It’s not that unusual. Xxx