Pushing people away… I do that… I know… and when I need them the most that’s when I do the most pushing…

Sometimes I feel other people are pushing me way too… which actually makes my “don’t get hurt” radar kicks in and either “you go ahead and push them away too” and/or “just ignore it… it’s what everybody should do anyway”…

…but this is different somehow…
…I feel alone… yes I feel like I have no one that can really understand me… or what I am going through…
— teenage angst? what’s that *rolles eyes*
…I know there are lots of people who are willing to be there for me… that are willing to listen… and honestly there are people who understand some parts of me.. (I hope) …. but somehow sometimes it doesn’t feel enough… but maybe i’m just expecting to much… or something… but I’m tired of being “alone” all the same…

uhm yeah it’s probably my paranoia kicking in or something… and a slight feeling of the thought of people finding me intimidating… uhm or something… I’m not making sense… and really I’m not sure what it is that i’m trying to say… But I wonder… do they know how afraid/shy I am? I know i’ve been laughing about this for a while… and really it is funny… (to me at least… but maybe because I feel quite the opposite… and for the fact that I have a weird/strange sense of humor maybe) …how come people think of me as a god? *shrug* Really… I am just a scared little man trying to find himself in the big chaotic and confusing world…

I know there are people out there that are afraid to talk to me because they fear they may trigger me… I understand that in a way… but honestly… I don’t want to avoid triggers… at least most triggers… Really…judging by last month… if I had to do that all the time I’d have to be locked away somewhere in an empty room and probably have my brain removed as well so I wouldn’t be able to trigger myself by just accidentally or intentionally think my way into a major triggering state…

I’m not doing well today… My body is probably the fault of that… It makes me feel old… handicapped… The TPN… it feels like i’m at the end… I have nothing that says the TPN won’t work out for me… but i keep wondering what if….

*big sigh — flush those thoughts*

…easier said than done…

I just wish I could actually talk to someone that understands all of this…

…but yet at the same time i’m not even sure what it is that I want to talk about… what it is that I want to know… It’s the same way when I try to look up some information on the internet… I don’t know what it is that i’m looking for… or even if I find something I don’t understand half of it… and i’m told to ask my doctor… how can i ask him questions when i don’t know what it is that I’m searching for… ok then… — “listen to what he has to say” — … true… that’s one way… another way is to listen and at the same time put all your effort into dealing with all the stress of the very fact that you are in a no way out situation…. this is what is going to happen… no matter what… and no matter what you say nothing is going to change… except in case of your own death maybe… and that’s not really an option… is it?

None of this probably doesn’t make any sense… I’m having “word” trouble again….

…but I guess what I wanted to say…. in spite of all of you being here… I feel very alone…

(please… don’t take that personally)