I am having problems with putting my thoughts down… not sure if this will go anywhere…

I’m feeling kinda… uhm… bleh… if that makes sense…. not good and not bad… if that makes sense…

but this is one of those entries I just start to write without really having anything to say…

Yes I’m at home… and that is good… but yet at the same time it’s hard… I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that my body isn’t doing to well these days… which again effects my mentality, concentration and ability to have a clear thought in my head… let alone to put thoughts in to words…

Damn this sounds pathetic doesn’t it? I keep whining… writing the same thing over and over again… entry after entry… You must be tired of hearing it all… I am tired of writing about it… I am tired of me… but it’s been going on for so long and sometimes i feel as if I don’t know how to write…and/or even think about the good things in my life…

Yes… I had a very good day with my family yesterday… The weather was beautiful and we went for a walk… all six of us… We didn’t go very far… but it took a lot of energy for me… a lot of sitting down to rest ….but i made it… It actually felt good… and it made me want to beat this thing even more… but then… how long will that last?

I said I was feeling “bleh”… I guess that’s that numbing kind of feeling… where you want to believe you want to get better… where you want things to change… but your head won’t let go of the past… or the present… fear of failure maybe… fear of the future… and because of that fear you are paralyzed and you can’t move away from it…