I feel nothing and everything at the same time…
…Nothing… and everything… because I can’t really explain it… I can’t put it into words… mainly because there aren’t any words i can think of that describe it…
…so the best thing i can do is to say… I feel nothing… and everything…
It feels crazy… not the everyday craziness i write about… or because of the SI episode on the weekend… uhm ok maybe a little because of that… but it’s not the sole reason…
It’s not because of the voices inside my head… they don’t make me crazy… to other people they do maybe… but not to me… if anything they are doing what they can to help me do the right thing but right now… i’m just not letting them…
It feels terrifying… It feels like I have lost the little control I’ve ever had… It makes me not being able to think straight… not being able to tell the difference from reality and imagination….
Everything… everybody is terrifying… Nothing seems right… there is always something that isn’t right… and everything and everybody is only there to “get me”… to take away a part of me… waiting for an opportunity to consume me… suffocate me…
I know it’s all in my head… all in my imagination… I know that is the thought I need to hold on to… It’s easy to say… but right now it’s very hard to do…
I know I’ve been pushing people away lately… and for that I am sorry…
I know I’ve been quiet… like I’m not interested in what other people are going through… but It’s not because I’m not interested or that I don’t care… It may be hard to believe for some of you… but I do care… quite a lot actually…
I feel nothing…. and everything…
…this is something my mother used to say quite often….
I never got what she meant…. but i guess …in a way at least…. I do now… and that alone is just as terrifying as all the rest…
